[the angry mob upset after being duped, Jeremiah steps in, looks inside and see what Jeff's doing to Dan and he uses his key to unlock the door]
[inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!
[tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!
JeremiahJEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?
Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?
Jeremiah
What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, [grabs Jeff's collar, yelling at him] and what do I see!?
[jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! [throws out onion] Plus, he's been torturing me! Which is seriously uncool!
Jeremiah
What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?
He obviously just ordered wrong.
Jeremiah
[slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.
Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.
I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!
Jeremiah
I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.
Um, don't let them go for your eyes?
Jeremiah
[holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]
Jeremiah
[takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.
[grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!
Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!
You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]
Wow, you just made me really sad right now.
[picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!
Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]
Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]
[gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!
You do care about this place?
Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.
CCrunchy
You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.
DJDan and Jeff
[yelling] SHUT UP!!
Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!
[sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]
[the white powder comes off off Jeff's face, now furious, Dan goes to the counter and drops his extinguisher, Jeff and Dan go into a battle]
[Jeff takes out a bag plastic utensils, bits the tops off, and throws them at Dan]
Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]
Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]
MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]
Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]
Say goodbye, walking sticks!
No I need them for walking!
Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]
Jeremiah
[waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.
Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]
Jeremiah
Now for you, Jeff.
Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-
Jeremiah
Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.
[whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!
Jeremiah
Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?
Jeremiah
A man after my own heart.
[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
Where have you guys been?
We had dinner across the street.
It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Jeremiah
Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
HHortense
Thank you, sir.
Jeremiah
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Jeremiah
Do me proud, Hortence.
Congratulations! This is so great for you!
It is, but it's not good for us.
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
Jeremiah
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
Jeremiah
[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
I'll always like you like you!
We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
CCrunchy
[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
There's no time for that!
There's always time for shrimp puffs.
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Jeremiah
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Jeremiah
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
[everyone gasps]
Jeremiah
What?!
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
Jeremiah
I most certainly have not!
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Did you think I didn't know that!
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
Jeremiah
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
That's not how I feel about you!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
