[Dan arrives home and finds some kids selling lemonade in his neighborhood]
Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot!
So, what seems to be the problem here, mister?
Yeah, mister. What's the problem?
Hey, kids. I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot. So, I need to run you out of business. Or at least have you move.
Well, technically, I was here first. I live here. This is where I park.
I- Ahhh-I have no answer for that! [backs up his car and parks at a different spot] Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport. [he walks upstairs but the Lemonade Stand Gang blocks his way]
I don't want any. I just want to go home. Out of the way, irksome urchins.
I wasn't asking. You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.
Don't you threaten me, kid. I- [screams when Timmy splashes lemonade on his face] Hey!
A $1.25?! That's outrageous!
Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.
HHarold
I call it a Charles horse.
First of all, I don't carry cash. Second of all- [screams and trips when Moose poses a pushup] You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
[as he and the Lemonade Stand Gang comfront Dan] Did you just call us hooligans?
[as he is beaten up by the Lemonade Stand Gang] Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! [arrives at his apartment, injured and calls Chris]
Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors. [screams as there is a note thrown through the window by The Lemonade Stand Gang, he picks up the note and reads it] "If you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang. Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang." Those little beasts! LEMONAAAAAAAADE STAAAAAAAAND GAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!
No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?
I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?
I don't remember nothin', boss.
Watch your double negatives, Moose.
Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.
What did you call us? Dolores!
[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]
Look, why can't you just leave me alone?
[Chris arrives home, injured by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Hey, honey. What took you so long to get ho-- Oh, my gosh! Chris! What happened to your shins?
Uh, sort of. There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand. What's funny?
I'm sorry, it's just- No, never mind. Sorry, go on.
Why are you laughing? I can barely walk.
Nothing is funny! Come on! Tell me what happened!
Well, Dan said they attacked him. And I didn't believe him at first.
Exactly. And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade. I said, no, thanks. And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! Fine. Just make fun.
Oh, no. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids?
Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.
Oh, listen. Why don't I get you an ice pack? [goes to the kitchen and laughs]
[as he is being chased by The Lemonade Stand Gang] I don't want any lemonade! Just leave me alone!
[bumps into a police officer] Officer! You've got to help me. Those kids are chasing me. They're extorting the neighborhood and they physically assaulted me. [shows the police officer his cut]
PPolice Officer
Is this true, kids?
No, sir. We run a lemonade stand and he forgot to pay. We're trying to raise money to get surgery for Dolores.
DDolores
I'm not well, sir.
PPolice Officer
Well, that's just awful. And you were trying to steal lemonade from these sweet little angels? I ought to arrest you right now.
No, you don't understand!
PPolice Officer
Move along, sir, before I move you along. Get me? [leaves]
Talking to the cops? Not smart. No one likes a tattletale.
Oh, well, that's, uh-- hey, look! Ice cream man! [runs off]
See you real soon, mister.
DDolores
Hey! There's no ice cream man!
TSTimmy's Mom
[finds Chris in the bathroom drinking water from the sink] Timmy, I told you to go to- [she and Chris scream]
[while he's being chased by Timmy's mom] It's a misunderstanding!
Never send a Chris to do a Dan's job. Incompetent.
[while he is being attacked by Timmy's mom] Stop!
[makes a phone call] It's me. Get everyone together, now.
[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
[yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Dan, would you please be quiet?
What's a monster streaker?
It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
They're almost 6th graders.
Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
[as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Can't move. Save yourself.
No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
[voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
What's wrong, buddy? We won.
We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
[answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
I told you they were bad kids.
They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
That's what I've been saying.
Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
I'm not better than this.
Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
HHarold
Uh, I ate a frog once.
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
[as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
[holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
[checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
TTeacher
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
TSTimmy's Mom
Is that my Timmy?
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
TSTimmy's Mom
[comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
TSTimmy's Mom
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
TSTimmy's Mom
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
HHarold
[in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
