[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]
HortenceWelcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milkshake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!
Hortence
That'll be $2.98, sir.
Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.
And you just assume it was me.
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!
Possession is 9-10ths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.
Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!
Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.
What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!
You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.
Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [he goes out of Burgerphile with Chris tied in a dolly] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with his cheeseburger]
Hortence
Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--
What seems to be the problem here?
Hortence
This gentleman got the wrong order.
That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!
Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!
Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
[Mac and Carl grab Dan]
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
Hortence
I'm really sorry, sir.
Hortence
Sorry, sir.
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]
[the angry mob upset after being duped, Jeremiah steps in, looks inside and see what Jeff's doing to Dan and he uses his key to unlock the door]
Hortence
[inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!
[tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!
JEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?
Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, [grabs Jeff's collar, yelling at him] and what do I see!?
[jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! [throws out onion] Plus, he's been torturing me! Which is seriously uncool!
What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?
He obviously just ordered wrong.
[slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.
Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.
I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!
I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.
Um, don't let them go for your eyes?
[holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]
[takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.
[grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!
Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!
You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]
Wow, you just made me really sad right now.
[picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!
Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]
Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]
[gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!
You do care about this place?
Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.
CCrunchy
You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.
DJDan and Jeff
[yelling] SHUT UP!!
Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!
[sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]
[the white powder comes off off Jeff's face, now furious, Dan goes to the counter and drops his extinguisher, Jeff and Dan go into a battle]
[Jeff takes out a bag plastic utensils, bits the tops off, and throws them at Dan]
Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]
Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]
MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]
Hortence
Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]
Say goodbye, walking sticks!
No I need them for walking!
Hortence
Dan, the fire!
Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]
[waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.
Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]
Hortence
[hugs Dan] My hero!
Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-
Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.
[whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!
Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?
A man after my own heart.
[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
Where have you guys been?
We had dinner across the street.
It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
HHortense
Thank you, sir.
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
Hortence
[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Congratulations! This is so great for you!
Hortence
It is, but it's not good for us.
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
Hortence
That's true.
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
Hortence
Maybe I won't go.
You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
Hortence
I'll always like you like you!
We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
CCrunchy
[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.
[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]
Hortence
This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
RGRed Girl
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
BGBlonde Girl
I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?
Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?
Hortence
Uh, like, of course.
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?
Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?
Hortence
Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.
RGRed Girl
Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!
Hortence
Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
BGBlonde Girl
You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!
Hortence
Yes!
[voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER!
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
There's no time for that!
There's always time for shrimp puffs.
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
Hortence
There's my bridesman!
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
[everyone gasps]
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
Hortence
Dan, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
I most certainly have not!
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Hortence
Did you think I didn't know that!
Hortence
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
Hortence
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
Hortence
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
That's not how I feel about you!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
