Chris quotes from Dan Vs.

Chris

[after Dan defeated the manager] Congratulations, Dan. For a second there, I thought you were done for. But then, bam, what a twist!

Chris

[when Elise shows him an old camp photo] Camp Atrocious. Oh it was even worse than its name.

Dan

None of this is helping!

Chris

Shh!

Dan

Don't shush me. You don't shush me! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!

Chris

Shh! [Dan hits him with a book] Shh! [Dan hits him with a book again, then Dan ends up getting in a fight with Chris, and the librarians throw Dan and Chris out of the library] Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.

Dan

You get used to it.

Chris

Now what? You still need information.

Dan

Don't be stupid. We go to a different library.

Chris

[stomach growls] I need lunch first.

Dan

It's 10:00 in the morning.

Chris

It's 12:00 somewhere.

Dan

Hey, Magellan, the books are that away.

Chris

I want to ask that librarian. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.

Dan

Help us? For free?

Chris

That's what they do.

Dan

Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.

May I help you?

Dan

I doubt it.

May I help you, sir?

Chris

Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.

Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.

Dan

He's talking in code! GET HIM! [he tries to get the librarian but Chris stops him]

Chris

It's not code, Dan. It's the Dewey Decimal System.

Dan

Which is a code!

Chris

Well, yes, but- but it's a benign one.

Dan

So he's just talking about books?

Chris

He is a librarian.

Dan

Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?

Chris

We need some specific information.

Dan

How do we hurt New Mexico?

Why would you want to do that?

Dan

It's personal.

Personal vendettas against states? Sure. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.

Dan

Thank you, good sir. I- wait a minute! Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers. I told you this guy couldn't help us.

I didn't say that. I can help you, but I want something in return.

Dan

Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks.

Chris

Let's hear him out.

You see that goon over there? He's got a new girlfriend.

Dan

So?

It's my wife.

Chris

Uh, we- you know, we really only came in for a book.

You want help with something, I want help with something.

Dan

And this guy just mulls around your library?

Silently mocking me.

Dan

The gall!

Chris

All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?

Dan

Dan. [speaking gibberish]

Elise

Something on your mind, Dan?

Dan

How come she gets to sit in the front seat?

Chris

Because that's our car.

Dan

That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?

Elise

You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.

Little Elise

My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!

Dan

Hello? I asked what it did to you?

Elise

I don't want to talk about it.

Dan

You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!

Chris

[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.

Dan

It really is.

Chris

Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.

Dan

Blink.

Elise

Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.

Chris

Did he give you money for that?

Elise

No, but don't worry. I have enough.

Chris

I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-

Elise

Chris.

Chris

Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.

Elise

Chris, remember what we talked about?

Chris

Which time?

Elise

About eating healthier.

Chris

Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?

Elise

It does.

Chris

Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get one thing.

Elise

Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--

Chris

Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes

Elise

Okay.

Chris

With cookies in them.

Elise

Chris.

Chris

It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.

Elise

Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.

Chris

...Dan said we were having burgers.

Elise

If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!

Chris

[stammers] I mean, it depends.

Elise

Don't jump off a cliff!

Chris

Well, I wasn't planning on it.

Elise

But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!

Dan

[gets inside the truck] That's the last one.

Chris

[yawns] About time. I'm getting sleepy.

Dan

New Mexico, consider yourself fired. [he throws the lighter out of the truck, but it ends up on the truck's floor causing him and Chris to leave the truck, then the truck drives away itself to explode the hot air balloons]

Chris

Dan! Are you alright?

Dan

No! I just realized I threw away my good lighter.

Chris

You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?!

Dan

It was nice. I liked it.

Dan

[on the phone waiting for Chris] Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened.

Chris

Hello?

Dan

Chris, get over here.

Chris

Dan. I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.

Dan

I'm not going. I have been wronged.

Chris

Again?

Dan

I can't believe it either. I demand vengeance.

Chris

Who is it this time?

Dan

The worst, most devious subhuman of them all.

Chris

The mailman?

Dan

Close. The Wolf-Man.

Chris

The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies?

Dan

Like the movies, but a real one.

Chris

Uh-huh.

Dan

Just get over here.

Chris

Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore, so-

Dan

GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! [Chris hangs up and Dan calls him again] I SAID NOW!

Dan

What took you so long?

Chris

Nice to see you too!

Dan

Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!

Chris

There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.

Dan

How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!

Chris

There's an animal shelter right there.

Dan

Look!

Chris

Those are sneaker prints.

Dan

Exactly!

Chris

Exactly what?

Dan

What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!

Chris

So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.

Dan

He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!

Chris

If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Dan

Obviously, he runs like this!

Chris

He doesn't run like that in the movies.

Dan

[angrily] THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES! THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD! THE WOLF MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!

Chris

Why next month?

Dan

Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?

Chris

So what are we doing today?

Dan

NOTHING! GO HOME! [he leaves to his apartment]

Dan

Never mind. I don't need your help. The situation is under control.

Help!

Dan

Quiet!

Chris

Who's that?

Dan

The Wolf-Man. I caught him.

Chris

You caught him?

Dan

Mission accomplished.

Help!

Dan

Quiet! You can go.

Chris

[angrily arrives at Dan's apartment and finds a little boy hung upside down] Oh, Dan, this is not okay.

Dan

What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man.

Chris

This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater.

Dan

Of course he's the Wolf-Man. Look at him.

Chris

Does he have claws?

Dan

No.

Chris

So how did he scratch your car?

Dan

Maybe he grows claws.

Chris

Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolf-Man!

Dan

Of course there is!

Chris

There is not!

I want to go home!

[yelling] QUIET!

Chris

You can't go kidnapping children. And, you, don't you know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult?

Dan

Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there. You could end up on a milk carton.

Chris

[frees the kid] Awfully sorry about this. [the boy kicks him] Ow!

Dan

Well, at least you're here to help me with the- Wolf-Man! There he is! Get him!

Trick or- [screams as Dan begins to chase him]

Chris

Dan, stop! That's a yeti.

Help me!

Dan

He's reverting to human form.

[as he sees Dan and Chris chase the little boy] Oh, right. I'm a cop. Hey!

Dan

This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.

Chris

That's very reassuring.

Dan

Don't get snippy.

Alright. Now, which one of you is Chris?

Chris

That's me, sir.

Okay. So we have a wallet, keys, a comb.

Chris

Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.

A locket with a picture in it.

Dan

[seeing the locket with Elise's picture] Hey, that's not me.

3 bouillon cubes, 2 beef, 1 chicken.

Dan

Really?

Chris

There might be a soup-related emergency.

Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.

Dan

Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important?

I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year.

Chris

Good book. Not all of it works, though.

Now what else? Okay, so are you Dan?

Dan

Give me my stuff.

Okay. We got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma. Also I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.

Dan

What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone. You can't treat me like this. I know people who pay taxes. And where are my knucks?

Brass knuckles are illegal in California and the rest of the country. They've been confiscated.

Dan

[angrily] Confiscated? Confiscated?

Chris

[whispering] Dan, don't.

Dan

[angrily] CONFISCATED?! [he throws a tantrum messing things around the police station like kicking a trash can and ripping paper off the bulletin board] I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU?! I'M GOING TO CONFISCATE THIS WATER! [drinks water] WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? HOW DARE YOU?! WELL, I'M CONFISCATING THIS AND THIS, [steals the envelope and pen] AND I'M CONFISCATING YOUR HAT!

Sir, do not reach for my hat.

Chris

[while driving home] I am so tired.

Dan

That is just like you. One minor run-in with the law, and you're set to give up. Not me, pal.

Chris

Give up? Now I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.

Dan

And let the Wolf-Man roam free?

Chris

Oh, for the last time, [the wolf howls] there’s no- [Dan covers Chris' mouth]

Dan

Shh! Did you hear that?

Chris

Probably a dog.

Dan

Drive north. North, you monkey! [Chris drives in the other direction towards the freeway as he and Dan are stuck in traffic] Ow! Oh, come on. How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?

Chris

Halloween. Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations.

Dan

I hate everyone.

Chris

You don't hate everyone.

Dan

I do. I hate everyone.

Chris

All that anger's not good for you, you know. It's eating you alive.

Dan

You know what you can eat?

Chris

I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know. I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures.

Dan

He's not mythical. He scrat-

Chris

I have put up with an awful lot.

Dan

My car! He scratched my car!

Chris

I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more. I'm out!

Dan

You're stupid.

Chris

Next time, you should have one of your other friends help you.

Dan

Like who?

Chris

I don't know. How about your friend Ted?

Dan

He's not talking to me right now.

Chris

You know, people struggling with dangerous- [as the Wolf-Man is seen rushing past their car]

Dan

That's him! [he sees the Wolf-Man stops as he stares at him, he gives an evil smirk as the Wolf-Man glares, causing him to glare back, and the Wolf-Man glares some more, giving a growl before howling and jumping on 3 cars]

Chris

That's the Wolf-Man.

Dan

Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich.

Chris

What kind of sandwich? [Dan steps on the gas petal as he speeds up the car] Watch out! Stop it! Let go! [he drives off and goes on a wild chase with the Wolf-Man]

Dan

You let go!

Chris

It's my car!

Dan

We're going to lose him!

Chris

Then let me drive!

Dan

Fine!

Dan

What are you doing? Get after him!

Chris

I can't move!

Dan

AAARGH! [he kicks Chris out of the car and drops him off the road]

Chris

You are coming back, right?

Chris

Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.

Dan

Is it?

Chris

Is it... morning?

Dan

I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.

Chris

A ninja?

Dan

Pancakes!

Chris

Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?

Dan

Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.

Chris

Do ninjas do that?

Dan

This one did.

Chris

But how - How did you know it was a -

Dan

He was in pajamas.

Chris

I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?

Dan

Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.

Chris

If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!

Dan

What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!

Chris

I don't break your plates.

Elise

[walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?

Chris

Almost ready.

Dan

I get mine first.

Elise

Hi Dan, you're up early.

Dan

I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.

Elise

I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.

Dan

You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]

Chris

My table!

Dan

Now tell me it's not a ninja.

Elise

The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?

Chris

What was that?

Elise

[closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.

Dan

Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?

Chris

What?! I'm always helping-

Dan

Papapap!

Elise

It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]

Chris

Did you notice anything strange right there?

Dan

You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?

Chris

No, Elise was acting funny.

Dan

I told you not to get married.

Elise

Okay, come out and let us take a look.

Chris

I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]

Dan

Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.

Elise

can you slouch a little?

Dan

And be more handsome.

Chris

I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.

Dan

We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.

Chris

Right, but why?

Elise

To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-

Chris

Okay, there's the part I don't like.

Dan

We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.

Chris

Well then I'm expendable?

Dan

Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.

Elise

No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.

Dan

And we're hoping he poisons you instead!

Chris

I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.

Elise

Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!

Dan

Because you keep eating!

Elise

So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!

Chris

And you just said probably.

Elise

I'm almost positive.

Dan

Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.

Elise

Please?

Chris

Alright.