[first lines] Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the 1st place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles? Red dirt? Adobe? NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!
S1 E1New Mexico
[Dan and Chris are at a library]
None of this is helping!
Shh!
Don't shush me. You don't shush me! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!
Shh! [Dan hits him with a book] Shh! [Dan hits him with a book again, then Dan ends up getting in a fight with Chris, and the librarians throw Dan and Chris out of the library] Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.
You get used to it.
Now what? You still need information.
Don't be stupid. We go to a different library.
[stomach growls] I need lunch first.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
It's 12:00 somewhere.
[Dan and Chris are at another library]
Hey, Magellan, the books are that away.
I want to ask that librarian. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.
Help us? For free?
That's what they do.
Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.
LLibrarian
May I help you?
I doubt it.
LLibrarian
May I help you, sir?
Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.
LLibrarian
Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.
He's talking in code! GET HIM! [he tries to get the librarian but Chris stops him]
It's not code, Dan. It's the Dewey Decimal System.
Which is a code!
Well, yes, but- but it's a benign one.
So he's just talking about books?
He is a librarian.
Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?
We need some specific information.
How do we hurt New Mexico?
LLibrarian
Why would you want to do that?
It's personal.
LLibrarian
Personal vendettas against states? Sure. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.
Thank you, good sir. I- wait a minute! Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers. I told you this guy couldn't help us.
LLibrarian
I didn't say that. I can help you, but I want something in return.
Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks.
Let's hear him out.
LLibrarian
You see that goon over there? He's got a new girlfriend.
So?
LLibrarian
It's my wife.
Uh, we- you know, we really only came in for a book.
LLibrarian
You want help with something, I want help with something.
And this guy just mulls around your library?
LLibrarian
Silently mocking me.
The gall!
[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]
All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?
Dan. [speaking gibberish]
Something on your mind, Dan?
How come she gets to sit in the front seat?
Because that's our car.
That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?
You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.
[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]
My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!
[Elise's flashback ends]
Hello? I asked what it did to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!
[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]
[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.
It really is.
Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.
Blink.
Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.
Did he give you money for that?
No, but don't worry. I have enough.
I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-
Chris.
Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.
Chris, remember what we talked about?
Which time?
About eating healthier.
Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?
It does.
Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get one thing.
Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--
Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes
Okay.
With cookies in them.
Chris.
It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.
Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.
...Dan said we were having burgers.
If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!
[stammers] I mean, it depends.
Don't jump off a cliff!
Well, I wasn't planning on it.
But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!
[gets inside the truck] That's the last one.
[yawns] About time. I'm getting sleepy.
New Mexico, consider yourself fired. [he throws the lighter out of the truck, but it ends up on the truck's floor causing him and Chris to leave the truck, then the truck drives away itself to explode the hot air balloons]
Dan! Are you alright?
No! I just realized I threw away my good lighter.
You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?!
It was nice. I liked it.
S1 E2The Wolf-Man
[Chris is gardening his plant while Dan is calling him]
[on the phone waiting for Chris] Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened.
Hello?
Chris, get over here.
Dan. I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.
I'm not going. I have been wronged.
Again?
I can't believe it either. I demand vengeance.
Who is it this time?
The worst, most devious subhuman of them all.
The mailman?
Close. The Wolf-Man.
The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies?
Like the movies, but a real one.
Uh-huh.
Just get over here.
Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore, so-
GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! [Chris hangs up and Dan calls him again] I SAID NOW!
What took you so long?
Nice to see you too!
Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!
There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.
How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!
There's an animal shelter right there.
Look!
Those are sneaker prints.
Exactly!
Exactly what?
What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!
So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.
He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!
If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?
Obviously, he runs like this!
He doesn't run like that in the movies.
[angrily] THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES! THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD! THE WOLF MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!
Why next month?
Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?
So what are we doing today?
NOTHING! GO HOME! [he leaves to his apartment]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment on Halloween night]
Never mind. I don't need your help. The situation is under control.
LBLittle Boy
Help!
Quiet!
Who's that?
The Wolf-Man. I caught him.
You caught him?
Mission accomplished.
LBLittle Boy
Help!
Quiet! You can go.
[angrily arrives at Dan's apartment and finds a little boy hung upside down] Oh, Dan, this is not okay.
What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man.
This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater.
Of course he's the Wolf-Man. Look at him.
Does he have claws?
No.
So how did he scratch your car?
Maybe he grows claws.
Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolf-Man!
Of course there is!
There is not!
LBLittle Boy
I want to go home!
DCDan and Chris
[yelling] QUIET!
You can't go kidnapping children. And, you, don't you know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult?
Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there. You could end up on a milk carton.
[frees the kid] Awfully sorry about this. [the boy kicks him] Ow!
Well, at least you're here to help me with the- Wolf-Man! There he is! Get him!
LBLittle Boy
Trick or- [screams as Dan begins to chase him]
Dan, stop! That's a yeti.
[Dan and Chris chase the little boy thinking he's the Wolf-Man]
LBLittle Boy
Help me!
He's reverting to human form.
PPolice Officer
[as he sees Dan and Chris chase the little boy] Oh, right. I'm a cop. Hey!
[Dan and Chris end up in jail for chasing the little boy]
This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.
That's very reassuring.
Don't get snippy.
[Dan and Chris are in the lobby with the police officer]
PPolice Officer
Alright. Now, which one of you is Chris?
That's me, sir.
PPolice Officer
Okay. So we have a wallet, keys, a comb.
Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.
PPolice Officer
A locket with a picture in it.
[seeing the locket with Elise's picture] Hey, that's not me.
PPolice Officer
3 bouillon cubes, 2 beef, 1 chicken.
Really?
There might be a soup-related emergency.
PPolice Officer
Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.
Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important?
PPolice Officer
I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year.
Good book. Not all of it works, though.
PPolice Officer
Now what else? Okay, so are you Dan?
Give me my stuff.
PPolice Officer
Okay. We got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma. Also I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.
What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone. You can't treat me like this. I know people who pay taxes. And where are my knucks?
PPolice Officer
Brass knuckles are illegal in California and the rest of the country. They've been confiscated.
[angrily] Confiscated? Confiscated?
[whispering] Dan, don't.
[angrily] CONFISCATED?! [he throws a tantrum messing things around the police station like kicking a trash can and ripping paper off the bulletin board] I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU?! I'M GOING TO CONFISCATE THIS WATER! [drinks water] WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? HOW DARE YOU?! WELL, I'M CONFISCATING THIS AND THIS, [steals the envelope and pen] AND I'M CONFISCATING YOUR HAT!
PPolice Officer
Sir, do not reach for my hat.
[Dan takes the police officer's hat of him and wears it, but the police officer teases him with a stun gun]
[while driving home] I am so tired.
That is just like you. One minor run-in with the law, and you're set to give up. Not me, pal.
Give up? Now I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.
And let the Wolf-Man roam free?
Oh, for the last time, [the wolf howls] there’s no- [Dan covers Chris' mouth]
Shh! Did you hear that?
Probably a dog.
Drive north. North, you monkey! [Chris drives in the other direction towards the freeway as he and Dan are stuck in traffic] Ow! Oh, come on. How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?
Halloween. Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations.
I hate everyone.
You don't hate everyone.
I do. I hate everyone.
All that anger's not good for you, you know. It's eating you alive.
You know what you can eat?
I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know. I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures.
He's not mythical. He scrat-
I have put up with an awful lot.
My car! He scratched my car!
I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more. I'm out!
You're stupid.
Next time, you should have one of your other friends help you.
Like who?
I don't know. How about your friend Ted?
He's not talking to me right now.
You know, people struggling with dangerous- [as the Wolf-Man is seen rushing past their car]
That's him! [he sees the Wolf-Man stops as he stares at him, he gives an evil smirk as the Wolf-Man glares, causing him to glare back, and the Wolf-Man glares some more, giving a growl before howling and jumping on 3 cars]
That's the Wolf-Man.
Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich.
What kind of sandwich? [Dan steps on the gas petal as he speeds up the car] Watch out! Stop it! Let go! [he drives off and goes on a wild chase with the Wolf-Man]
You let go!
It's my car!
[the Wolf-Man jumps over more cars as Dan and Chris skid out of control]
We're going to lose him!
Then let me drive!
Fine!
[the car swerves some more causing a donut as the Wolf-Man is seen waiting at a stoplight waiting for the light to turn green as Dan and Chris accidentally run over him as Chris stops the car, he and Chris lean forward to see if they hit him, but the Wolf-Man's paw reaches on top of their car and they gasp, the Wolf-Man inches closer towards them and growls while breathing on Chris' windshield, roaring, Dan and Chris scream when Chris hits the reverse on the shift and they back up, as the Wolf-Man falls off the car, dazed as he runs off]
What are you doing? Get after him!
I can't move!
AAARGH! [he kicks Chris out of the car and drops him off the road]
You are coming back, right?
[after being shot by an arrow] What maniac shoots a guy in the butt with an arrow?! Bunch of filthy animals in this town.
S1 E3The Ninja
[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies as the Ninja is following him]
Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.
[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies]
NNinja
Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]
Hey! What the-!
WWoman
Umm, drinking problem much?
There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before] NINJAAAAAAA!!!
Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.
Is it?
Is it... morning?
I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.
A ninja?
Pancakes!
Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?
Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
Do ninjas do that?
This one did.
But how - How did you know it was a -
He was in pajamas.
I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?
Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.
If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!
What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!
I don't break your plates.
[walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?
Almost ready.
I get mine first.
Hi Dan, you're up early.
I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.
I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]
My table!
Now tell me it's not a ninja.
The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?
What was that?
[closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.
Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?
What?! I'm always helping-
Papapap!
It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]
Did you notice anything strange right there?
You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?
No, Elise was acting funny.
I told you not to get married.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.