TV show quotes
You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.
Yes, it will be.
It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.
There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.
Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-
You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.
Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?
That's the food industry for you.
That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.
Only less fun.
Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.
I like you, Dan. You're always right.
Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.
Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.
I'm trying to chew quietly.
Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.
Oh, you're the best.
Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?
[sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.
I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.
Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.
Is it our anniversary?
I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.
We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.
Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.
And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.
Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.
You know what? I's not our anniversary.
And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.
You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.
[Dan is sent to court, Judge bangs his gravel]
Do you realize how much trouble you are in, young man?!
Your honor, I don't see what the big deal is.
You crashed your car through the wall of a church while a wedding was in progress!
It wasn't my fault! There was a nun crossing the street against the light. I was going to run her over.
And you were swerving to avoid her?
[smiling] Yes.
All right. Well, in that case, I will suspend your sentence in exchange for 40 hours of community service.
Community service!? What has this community ever done for me!?
Dan, no. Take the deal.
NO WAY!
Have it your way. Trial will start one week from today at 9:00 a.m.
Could we do it a little later? I like to sleep in, watch some TV...
Get him out of my sight!
[gets grabbed by security guards] Let go! [gets kicked out of court]
[Dan goes inside his apartment and meets with Imposter Dan that looks similar to him]
This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.
Who are you?
Who are you?
I'm Dan.
I'm Dan.
Stop it.
Stop it. I should probably just go. [he runs out of Dan's apartment]
Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?
I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [he runs off]
DAN!
I'm Dan.
We'll find this guy. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.
I'm sure we will, Dan. And then what?
Simple. I hit him over the head and take my clothes back.
Leaving the “Good Dan” nude and vulnerable. Textbook.
[furious] Stop analyzing me! For the last time, there is an imposter!
Dan, is that you?
Aw, come on!
Oh, thank you so much for mowing my yard last week. Here, have a mint.
Lady, you can take your mint and-
Whoa okay. Calm down. Ma'am, are you sure this is the Dan who mowed your lawn?
That's him. He spent three hours at my house on Thursday.
Thank you, ma'am. That's him.
She was like a hundred years old! It doesn't prove anything!
Eh, hi, Dan!
Oh, what now?
Hey everybody, Dan's here! On behalf of the whole neighborhood, we want to thank you for everything you've done lately. Let's hear it for Dan!
[opens the door] May I help you?
He's real!
What are you doing in my apartment?
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.
Why would anyone want to be Dan?
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.
You've been reading my journal?
What does he mean, "unflattering"?
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.
You don't even like foosball.
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]
That last part sounded a little like you.
I'm gonna get you for this, Dan! I'll be back, and you will rue the day! Rue it!
Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?
Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?
That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.
Ah, the horror film festival.
You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.
I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.
You have got to be kidding me.
Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.
But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.
Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.
When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?
Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-
Whoa, whoa. Where?
Lake Sequester.
Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?
Sure.
Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.
Okay, you should go now.
Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!
I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]
FAMILY CAMPING TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!!!!!!
[opens the window and finds Dan outside] Perfect timing.
If we leave now, we can still catch Stabbo the Clown. Now climb out of the window, and let's go.
I am not going with you! I am going to Lake Sequester!
To be hunted by a chain saw-wielding maniac.
They caught him years ago.
Or so they think.
You're just trying to give me nightmares.
Look, this whole insane quest of yours is pointless. Your in-laws will never respect you.
I have to try.
I just hate to see you expending such an enormous amount of effort in what is ultimately a futile pursuit. It's not healthy.
Have a good weekend, Dan.
[Dan yells after Chris closes the window on his fingers]
[Chris, Elise, and Elise's parents are heading to camp]
So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.
Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?
Don't tell me you're scared of bears.
I am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.
Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.
If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.
They're tagging the bears this summer.
Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.
No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.
It's to track their migratory patterns.
Ah.
Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?
[while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]
I only ask because he seems to be following us.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.
[Dan and Elise both stop their cars in the middle of the road]
What was that? Are you trying to kill me?
Don't tempt me.
What are you doing here?
Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.
What do you want exactly?
Chris.
I don't know. Sounds reasonable.
Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.
Dan, this is really unacceptable.
It's all your fault.
This is not my fault.
It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.
If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.
Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.
Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!
[runs and ends up being lost in the woods] He's not just dreamy. He's got the strength of 10 men. And was it just me, or were his eyes even more captivating close up? I think he won the fight because I got lost in them. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yeah, all right. We've ruled out a direct assault. And by the way, thank you for doing nothing while I was getting beaten up. [Mr. Mumbles meows as he pets him] Aw, I can't stay mad at you. And did you hear that thing on the radio about the prison break? For all anyone knows, the Hockey Mask Maniac is on the loose. Which gives me an idea.
[heads to Marvin's Pickins with Mr. Mumbles and puts on his burglar outfit] Okay, this will just take a second. [looks at the door] That's strange. Oh, well. Gift horse and all that. First stop, sporting goods. [he grabs a mask] Next, landscaping supplies. No chainsaw? Why doesn't anything ever go right for me? [Mr. Mumbles meows] Was that sarcasm, Mr. Mumbles? Well, I guess this will have to do. Just need some overalls, and we're done.
[after the maniac was defeated] Don't you worry, folks. That's the last you'll see of the Hockey Mask Maniac. Unless he escapes again, but what are the odds of that? [drives off]
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with his cheeseburger]
Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--
What seems to be the problem here?
This gentleman got the wrong order.
That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!
Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!
Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
[Mac and Carl grab Dan]
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
I'm really sorry, sir.
Don't apologize to him.
Sorry, sir.
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]
How'd it go?
BURGERPHILLLLLLLLLLLE!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
