AAmber
I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.
Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.
AAmber
Everyone has anger. Right guys?
BBert
I beat up the Dalai Lama.
AAmber
The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.
Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?
AAmber
Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.
They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]
[outside] What kind of cheese?
Sup? SUP! [talking to the mummy] You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!
Because you're the Chris.
MMummy
Look, I don't want any trouble.
Do I have to do everything?
MMummy
Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro?
[Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it]
There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.
Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.
MMummy
I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.
Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!
MMummy
Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.
[Dan and Chris arrive to work]
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
BThe Boss
Cute. Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions. You call them and tell them to pay up. Think you monkeys can handle that?
Who are you calling a monkey?! [cut to him at the workplace] Stupid boss Call ME names? [Chris is humming while he's doing his work] Chris, I'm leaving. I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot. [he reads at his message on the computer] Oh. That's it! [he angrily heads to his boss' office]
BThe Boss
Aw, office monkey look upset. Office monkey want a banana?
No, office monkey want- Now, stop that! Just give me my $18 and I'll be on my way.
BThe Boss
$18? You make $9 an hour, and you've been here for 5 minutes.
BThe Boss
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job. Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
BThe Boss
Look, I am in the middle of nothing, actually. But that's still more interesting than talking to you. Get out of my office.
[angrily heads out of his boss' office, throws papers over the air as Chris is filing them, picks up a trash can and drops the papers on the floor, and goes outside yelling] BOSS!!!
Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
BThe Boss
That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.
[narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-
BThe Boss
[pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.
BThe Boss
Get back to your desk!
[pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.
Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]
[feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!
I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]
[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]
BThe Boss
Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]
Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!
BThe Boss
I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
BThe Boss
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]
Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
DCDumb Customer
So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
DCDumb Customer
Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!
DCDumb Customer
Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]
[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]
Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!
[still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.
[answer his phone]Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Ah, the eternal question. I was thinking
[interrupts Chris' call] Ahem.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook. You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
[takes Chris' phone away from him] But--
If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle. [walks with Chris to the file cabinet] A comes first, then B. Just like the song. Think you can figure it out?
[after The Boss was defeated] Quitting time. [he and Chris leave the workplace] On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy. I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you. It's the least I can do.
It really is. [he and Chris drive home while the workplace is caught on fire as the episode ends]
[yelling] YOU DID THIS, YOU SWINDLER!!
MMMechianic Mike
I was trying to tell you something like this could happen. Now if we can calm down and discuss this like rational adults.
[yelling] I WILL DROWN YOU IN BARBECUE SAUCE AND HAVE CHRIS EAT YOUR BODY!!
You shouldn't just automatically assume I'd be up for that!
You are so selfish! There's no "I" in "friend," Chris.
Hey, you want me to fix your car or what?
Absolutely not! Since it appears my friend has developed a sudden aversion to cannibalism...
Then I will simply have to take my business elsewhere!
You know anyone else will charge you twice what I do.
[yells] BLOCKED AT EVERY TURN!
Maybe we can take it to the dealer?
The closest one's in Manila.
And it closed twelve years ago.
Oh. Can you even fix this?
Sure, but it's not going to be cheap. The thromdibulator's shot, and I can see from here it took the Oscillation Overthruster with it. You see?
Well, sure. Any child could see it's the thromdibulator.
[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?
Don't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free!
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!
You got me. All right, Dan. After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
[furious] You fix it now!
I can't order the parts until some money comes in. Which happens this weekend. Now please leave me alone.
[picks up cake mixer out of the inside hood of the car] I'm taking this cake mixer.
If you find your dog, I would like my wallet back.
[Dan kicks the door open to the locker room]
There you are! [to Chris] Chris, prepare your jaws of death!
For the last time, I'm not eating anyone, because it's gross!
All right! Wait, are you crying?
Uh... Okay look, I'm here to pummel you, and for some reason I feel weird about doing that while you're crying, so could you stop?
Oh, sure. I'm-I'm sorry about that.
Hey, uh, maybe if you could just put Dan's car back together, we could all forget this awkwardness.
I'd be willing to accept that.
I can't. I don't own my garage anymore. Or I won't as of Monday morning.
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
You got lucky! You littl-!
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.
[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he, Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire as the episode ends]
[singing] Hail hail the mighty owls... standing loyal and true. Rah rah. Whoo whoo whoo! [takes out the old jersey out of his box] My old jersey! [puts on jersey]
[entering] Chris, good, you're home. Take this. I need your fingerprints on it. [puts the bag in bowling ball]
That's between me and the Department of Agriculture. [Chris ignores Dan and walks off] Is that your high school jersey?
Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards? Are you planning a bonfire?
Just taking a little stroll down memory lane. Tonight's the class reunion.
Of course. There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium. Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
[takes the "Go Owls" flag away from him] Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle-heads who want to wallow in their past glories. Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it. I was involved in so many activities... I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social. [notices that he was not invited] Hey, wait a minute. I was in your high school class. No one sent me an invitation.
I guess they didn't want me there. B-but why?
I'm sure it was an oversight.
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed! [yelling] HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!
