[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
[yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Dan, would you please be quiet?
What's a monster streaker?
It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
They're almost 6th graders.
Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
[as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Can't move. Save yourself.
No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
[voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
What's wrong, buddy? We won.
We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
[answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
I told you they were bad kids.
They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
That's what I've been saying.
Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
I'm not better than this.
Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
HHarold
Uh, I ate a frog once.
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
[as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
[holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
[checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
TTeacher
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
TSTimmy's Mom
Is that my Timmy?
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
TSTimmy's Mom
[comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
TSTimmy's Mom
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
TSTimmy's Mom
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
HHarold
[in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?!
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
[at the end, everyone ends up sleeping at the motel]
Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school. For instance-
Enough! Everyone just go to sleep. Anyone still awake in 5 minutes gets a smothering.
The foot is down. [turns off the light]
Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.
Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr. Mumbles. Mrs. Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
And to you, fine sir. Hey, give me some money.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for- you know who.
Aw, that's-Hey wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year?
Oh, you mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a $25 gift card?
Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Uh, well, I'm on my way to the mall. They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing. You should come.
Don't be stupid. I don't need a job. I need money.
[Dan and Chris are having their interviews for their seasonal job]
[Dan and Chris give the interviewer their resumes]
I demand the role of Santa. To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh. I've already got my Santa. But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
[Dan is dressed up as an elf]
5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]
Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!
I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible!
Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-
What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-
Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-
[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!
[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]
[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-
Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".
[Dan taps on the glass]
[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!
That can't be right. He's Santa!
Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?
Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!
What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!
Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!
That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!
[Dan and Chris are having a lunch break while the Mall Santa]
Ho, ho, ho! [sneezes at Dan's lunch] Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!
Hurry up, you lout! We're on in 2 minutes!
Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf?
Stop it! [kicks the Mall Santa's stomach]
Hey, good kick. Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense".
What's that smell? Nutmeg?
You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.
Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you!
You leave me no choice! [he tries to hit the Mall Santa with a candy cane but fails]
Were you trying to hurt Santa? [he hits Dan with a candy cane]
I'm pretty sure he started it.
[angrily] PERJURY! He was
Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
