[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with his cheeseburger]
Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--
JeffWhat seems to be the problem here?
This gentleman got the wrong order.
Jeff
That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
Jeff
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!
Jeff
Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!
Jeff
Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
[Mac and Carl grab Dan]
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
Jeff
Don't apologize to him.
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]
[people are protesting with Dan]
PWProtestor Woman
Say "no" to pickle burgers!
You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey guys! Over here!
[Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile crowded with protestors and find Dan tied up with Hortence]
Wow, Dan. You've really started something.
Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.
Oh. We were going to grab dinner.
Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.
HHortense
I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.
Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.
Jeff
[goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International Incorporated, a division of Drax Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [protestors excitedly leave, but gets tricked]
Jeff
[locks all the door] Checkmate!
Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.
Jeff
Well, we'll just see about that.
[the angry mob upset after being duped, Jeremiah steps in, looks inside and see what Jeff's doing to Dan and he uses his key to unlock the door]
[inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!
Jeff
[tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!
JEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?
Jeff
Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, [grabs Jeff's collar, yelling at him] and what do I see!?
Jeff
I can explain.
[jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! [throws out onion] Plus, he's been torturing me! Which is seriously uncool!
What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?
Jeff
He obviously just ordered wrong.
[slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.
Jeff
Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.
I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!
I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.
Jeff
Um, don't let them go for your eyes?
[holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]
Jeff
But my perfect record!
[takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.
Jeff
[grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!
Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!
Jeff
You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]
Wow, you just made me really sad right now.
Jeff
[picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!
Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]
Jeff
Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]
[gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!
Jeff
You do care about this place?
Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.
CCrunchy
You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.
DJDan and Jeff
[yelling] SHUT UP!!
Jeff
Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!
Jeff
Yes, the one on fire!
[sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]
[the white powder comes off off Jeff's face, now furious, Dan goes to the counter and drops his extinguisher, Jeff and Dan go into a battle]
[Jeff takes out a bag plastic utensils, bits the tops off, and throws them at Dan]
Jeff
Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]
Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]
Jeff
MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]
Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]
Say goodbye, walking sticks!
Jeff
No I need them for walking!
Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]
[waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.
Jeff
Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]
Jeff
Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-
Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.
Jeff
[whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!
Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?
A man after my own heart.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
