LLifeguard
So you have a husband?
EliseNot anymore.
LLifeguard
Let's go on a date.
Elise
Snap out of it, Chris!
[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]
I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.
I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.
I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]
Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!
[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!
I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!
You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.
Elise
Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.
Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!
Elise
I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.
The last thing I need is- Really?
Elise
Yes!
Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.
Elise
You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?
I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.
Elise
[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?
Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?
Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?
D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?
Elise
So there is a savant half.
[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
Elise
That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Elise
Seriously? With a real, live girl?
And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
Elise
I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Elise
Yes, devious. You talked to her.
And he found out that they had a lot in common.
Elise
Staggering.
I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
Elise
I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Elise
Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Elise
Why don't you just shave your head?
Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
BBecky
But penguins live at the South Pole.
Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
BBecky
Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Elise
Maybe something less felonious.
What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
Elise
What is it, Dan?
It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
This is all a misunderstanding.
Elise
We're very sorry about all this.
Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
We didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
I am not helping you do anything ever again.
We both know you don't mean-
[as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
Elise
That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
Elise
Amateurs.
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
Elise
I did just spend a day in jail.
Yeah, well, let's just forget all about-
Elise
[notices Dan] Dan!
Elise
No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
[walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
Elise
[pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
Are you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Elise
Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
Elise
Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Elise
Nope.
Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.
Elise
You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?
Elise
What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.
You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?
Elise
Don't you even think about it.
Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.
Elise
Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.
Elise
2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.
Elise
4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?
Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.
Elise
And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]
You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.
Elise
Yes, it will be.
It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.
Elise
There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.
Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-
Elise
You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.
Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?
Elise
That's the food industry for you.
That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.
Elise
Only less fun.
Elise
Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.
I'm trying to chew quietly.
Elise
Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.
Elise
Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?
[sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.
Elise
I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.
Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.
Elise
Is it our anniversary?
I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.
Elise
We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.
Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.
Elise
And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.
Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.
Elise
You know what? I's not our anniversary.
And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.
Elise
You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.
IDImposter Dan
[opens the door] May I help you?
What are you doing in my apartment?
IDImposter Dan
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.
Elise
Why would anyone want to be Dan?
IDImposter Dan
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.
You've been reading my journal?
Elise
What does he mean, "unflattering"?
IDImposter Dan
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?
IDImposter Dan
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.
IDImposter Dan
You don't even like foosball.
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.
IDImposter Dan
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]
Elise
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?
IDImposter Dan
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]
That last part sounded a little like you.
[Chris, Elise, and Elise's parents are heading to camp]
So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.
Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?
Don't tell me you're scared of bears.
I am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.
Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.
If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.
They're tagging the bears this summer.
Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.
No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.
EElise
It's to track their migratory patterns.
Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?
[while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]
I only ask because he seems to be following us.
EElise
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.
[Dan and Elise both stop their cars in the middle of the road]
What was that? Are you trying to kill me?
Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.
What do you want exactly?
I don't know. Sounds reasonable.
Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.
Dan, this is really unacceptable.
It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.
If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.
EElise
Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.
Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!
[people are protesting with Dan]
PWProtestor Woman
Say "no" to pickle burgers!
You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey guys! Over here!
[Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile crowded with protestors and find Dan tied up with Hortence]
Elise
Wow, Dan. You've really started something.
Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.
Oh. We were going to grab dinner.
Elise
Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.
HHortense
I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.
Elise
Wow, Dan. Way to go.
Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.
[goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International Incorporated, a division of Drax Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [protestors excitedly leave, but gets tricked]
[locks all the door] Checkmate!
Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.
Well, we'll just see about that.
[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
Where have you guys been?
Elise
We had dinner across the street.
It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
HHortense
Thank you, sir.
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Congratulations! This is so great for you!
It is, but it's not good for us.
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
I'll always like you like you!
We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
CCrunchy
[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.
[Chris and Dan are chained up in jail]
Magnifico did magic on you.
He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.
[as he is taking Elise to jail] Stop struggling. You're only making it worse. This should cool you off.
Elise
Hi, guys.
Elise
Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all started on my 8th birthday. [scene cuts to her memory from her 8th birthday]
Good afternoon, boys and girls. I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic!
KEKid Elise
Oh, oh, me, me!
Everyone, give a big hand for Elise. Alright, just sit down. Alright, on 3! 3!
[Kid Elise screams as Magnifico the Magnificent plays a trick on her]
KEKid Elise
[as she is trapped inside a box] Help me! [as she is spinning on the wheel] Please, stop! Ta-da!
[the kids cheer as kid Elise gets scared as her flashback ends]
Elise
Please ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.
Wow, that's awful. I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.
Elise
Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic. So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it. What? He'll live.
[after freeing himself off his chain] Ahh, much better.
Wait. How did you get free?
Well, I got really bored during Elise's story. Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.
Elise
How did you get your other hand free?
[whispering] Well, help us.
Do you believe in magic? You bet do.
There's no time. I'll have to come back for you guys. Don't move. [he climbs on Chris as he heads out to the vent]
Hey where's the third guy?
Elise
Ahh bathroom?
[while hosting his magic show] Behold the power of magic. And witness the Chest of Wonders! [Dan shows up from the box]
You, sir, are baloney! You're no more magical than my big toe!
Can your big toe do this? [he tries to zap Dan but fails] What the?
Aw, I wish I had a wand like that. [he and Magnifico the Magnificent try to zap each other] No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic. It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.
Who taught you my magic trick?
[while Magnifico the Magnificent is trying to zap him] No one. I figured them out with plain old common sense. [the crowd laughs] I'll admit levitating was the hardest one. Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.
[Peter and the bodyguard play a trick on Magnifico the Magnificent]
[the crowd cheers]
Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness. [found something hidden] Chloroform vapor.
Wow. Mr. Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.
Elise
Stay right here! Time to show you a trick or two. [she defeats the bodyguard]
Happy birthday! [gives Elise the necklace]
Elise
Seriously?
You don't understand. The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother and then Dan-
Elise
We'll talk later.
Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight. I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash. I hope that you've all learned-
Hey, Dan! Abra-- [Mr. Mumbles defeats him]
I've never seen Mr. Mumbles attack anyone like that before.
See? Everything has an explanation.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
