[at the barber shop having his haircut] 1 haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.
Why do you have her driver's license?
To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.
Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]
[inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!
Wait! You forgot your lollipop!
[runs off and hides his haircut using his shirt until he sees himself in the puddle] Maybe it's not so bad. [he walks off until he sees a lady with a baby as the baby cries at Dan's horrible haircut]
LLady
My apologies, sir. She is usually so calm. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible, grotesquely disfiguring accident. [the lady leaves]
[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Seriously? With a real, live girl?
And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Yes, devious. You talked to her.
And he found out that they had a lot in common.
I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Why don't you just shave your head?
Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
BBecky
But penguins live at the South Pole.
Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
BBecky
Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Maybe something less felonious.
What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
This is all a misunderstanding.
We're very sorry about all this.
Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
We didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
I am not helping you do anything ever again.
We both know you don't mean-
[as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
[Dan relaxing after shaving Barber's hair]
Well, it took a lot of work but I got even with the barber. Now I can sleep. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.
[Barber enters in Dan's apartment, with a scissor, he is now bald]
[Dan screams]
I'm not gonna hurt you, Dan... yet!
Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.
I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.
Did you think barbers just cut hair? [pulls out razor]
Of course not. They also sing in quartets. Oh!
since the dawn of Western civilization, barber surgeons were responsible for surgery, [stabs poster with a scissor] dentistry [stabs couch with a razor] and bloodletting. Bloodletting, Dan. You have insulted me, Dan! I am here to declare the Hallowed Society [pulls of Dan's beanie] of Barber Surgeons is going to end your life! Soon! [puts on beanie] And you won't see it coming! Sleep well. [leaves]
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
I did just spend a day in jail.
Yeah, well, let's just forget all about-
No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
[walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
[pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
Are you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
