[Chris, Elise, and Elise's parents are heading to camp]
ESElise Sr.
So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.
Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?
Don't tell me you're scared of bears.
I am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.
ESElise Sr.
Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.
If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.
ESElise Sr.
They're tagging the bears this summer.
Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.
ESElise Sr.
No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.
EElise
It's to track their migratory patterns.
Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?
[while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]
I only ask because he seems to be following us.
EElise
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.
[Dan and Elise both stop their cars in the middle of the road]
What was that? Are you trying to kill me?
Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.
ESElise Sr.
What do you want exactly?
I don't know. Sounds reasonable.
ESElise Sr.
Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.
Dan, this is really unacceptable.
ESElise Sr.
It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.
If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.
EElise
Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.
Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
ESElise Sr.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
ESElise Sr.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
ESElise Sr.
It's vinegar!
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
ESElise Sr.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Only for your own nefarious gains.
ESElise Sr.
What are you talking about?!
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
ESElise Sr.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
[at the end, everyone ends up sleeping at the motel]
Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school. For instance-
Enough! Everyone just go to sleep. Anyone still awake in 5 minutes gets a smothering.
The foot is down. [turns off the light]
Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.
[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
[comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
[comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
EElise
It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
ESElise Sr.
What happened?
EElise
Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
EElise
I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you can’t have my toy! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
[angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
ESElise Sr.
Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
[drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[Elise and Masked Cyborg fight over a pink crystal, the racquet ball is tucked on the top of the net, the two fighting jumps off the main deck and falls to the court, the crystal is shattered, and the racquet ball falls down]
[laughing] Victory! [takes the Captain hat and puts it on] Kneel before your captain!
ESElise Sr.
Oh, calm down, Don!
ESElise Sr.
[scolds Elise] You better have a good explanation, young lady.
EElise
Me!? You're the one in battle armor!
ESElise Sr.
Don't you change the subject!
Sounds like you all have a lot to discuss. If you'll excuse me... [Dan walks away and heads to the captain's deck] Zombie Wrestling, [breaks the steering wheel] here I come!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
