[Chris arrives home, injured by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
EliseHey, honey. What took you so long to get ho-- Oh, my gosh! Chris! What happened to your shins?
Elise
Mugged?
Uh, sort of. There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand. What's funny?
Elise
I'm sorry, it's just- No, never mind. Sorry, go on.
Why are you laughing? I can barely walk.
Elise
Nothing is funny! Come on! Tell me what happened!
Well, Dan said they attacked him. And I didn't believe him at first.
Elise
Because it's ridiculous?
Exactly. And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade. I said, no, thanks. And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! Fine. Just make fun.
Elise
Oh, no. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids?
Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.
Elise
Oh, listen. Why don't I get you an ice pack? [goes to the kitchen and laughs]
[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Elise
Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
Elise
What does that mean?
[yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Dan, would you please be quiet?
Elise
What's a monster streaker?
It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
Elise
I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
Elise
Chris, what's going on?
It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
Elise
The 5th graders?
They're almost 6th graders.
Elise
Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
[as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Can't move. Save yourself.
No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
[voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
What's wrong, buddy? We won.
We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
Elise
[answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
I told you they were bad kids.
Elise
They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Elise
They destroyed our car.
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Elise
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
That's what I've been saying.
Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
Elise
That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
Elise
What?!
I'm not better than this.
Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
Elise
This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
HHarold
Uh, I ate a frog once.
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
[as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
[holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
[checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
TTeacher
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
Elise
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
TSTimmy's Mom
Is that my Timmy?
Elise
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
TSTimmy's Mom
[comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
TSTimmy's Mom
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
TSTimmy's Mom
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
HHarold
[in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
Elise
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
Elise
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Elise
Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
Elise
Let it go.
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Elise
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
Elise
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Elise
Who's the snowman?!
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Elise
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
Elise
What are you doing?
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
Elise
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Check out the gingerbread house.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.
Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?
CCrunch
One man flash mob, bra.
[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!
CCrunch
[runs off] Alright!
What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?
Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!
Elise
We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.
[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]
What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?
Elise
[while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.
And you sure you send Dan there?
Elise
I'm sure he'll fit right in.
[runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Elise
Dan?
Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
Elise
Let's go.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Elise
Because it's 2 in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
Elise
[while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Elise
Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
Elise
It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
Elise
IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
Elise
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
Elise
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
[angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!
PRPrescott Richman IV
But, even though Nigel almost got eaten by a lion, it was probably my best birthday ever.
That does sound like a good birthday.
Elise
Hors'devours?
No thanks, I'm pretty full.
Elise
I really think you should have one.
Elise
OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"
I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
Elise
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?
Can and has. [walks away]
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
