[opens the door] May I help you?
He's real!
What are you doing in my apartment?
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.
Why would anyone want to be Dan?
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.
You've been reading my journal?
What does he mean, "unflattering"?
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.
You don't even like foosball.
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]
That last part sounded a little like you.
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Dan Vs. quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.