[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Yes, date.
Seriously? With a real, live girl?
And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Yes, devious. You talked to her.
And he found out that they had a lot in common.
Staggering.
I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Hey.
Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Why don't you just shave your head?
Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Hello.
Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
The FBI?
Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
But penguins live at the South Pole.
Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
Bye.
She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
I'd rather not.
It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Hmm. No.
Maybe something less felonious.
What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
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