A character in Dan Vs.
Darla
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
10th most-quoted character in Dan Vs.: in 5 of its 241 quotes
Most scenes with: Dan (5), Chris (4), Mall Santa (4)
[Dan and Chris are having their interviews for their seasonal job]
Resumes, please.
[Dan and Chris give the interviewer their resumes]
I demand the role of Santa. To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh. I've already got my Santa. But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
[Dan is dressed up as an elf]
5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!
This is beneath me.
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]
Ho, ho.
Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!
I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible!
Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-
What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-
Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-
[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!
[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]
MALL SANTA!!!
Ho, ho, ho!
[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-
Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".
Bye, Stinky!
[Dan taps on the glass]
[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!
That can't be right. He's Santa!
Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?
Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!
What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!
Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!
That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!
This isn't over.
I'm pretty sure he started it.
[angrily] PERJURY! He was
Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
You really are.
Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
Mind your business.
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I hate Christmas.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Oh.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
Probably.
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Hey! Let me- Elise?
Who's the snowman?!
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
What are you doing?
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Okay.
Check out the gingerbread house.
Yeah, it's great.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
What are you two doing?
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
You're fired.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
