Chris quotes from Dan Vs.

Elise

Yes! [calls] Hey, it's Elise. Tell little Susie I'll be there in time for the freestyle rap battle!

Chris

[to an angry Mr. Bainbridge] Well, sir, the important thing is we had fun.

Mr. Bainbridge

You're fired! [walks away]

Chris

Aw...

Elise

So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?

Dan

I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!

Chris

They're called stationary bikes.

Elise

It's to get your heart rate up.

Dan

That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!

Chris

Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.

Dan

That was said in confidence!

Dan

[after his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.

Chris

[laughs] So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!

Dan

It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!

Chris

It's a good look for you.

Dan

Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.

Chris

And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]

Chris

Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]

Dan

There's no time for that!

Chris

There's always time for shrimp puffs.

Dan

I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.

Chris

Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Jeremiah

Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.

Chris

[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!

Hortence

There's my bridesman!

Dan

Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.

Jeremiah

Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!

Dan

You sir are a fraud!

Jeremiah

What?!

Chris

Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.

Hortence

Dan, what are you doing?

Dan

I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.

Jeremiah

I most certainly have not!

Dan

He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.

Hortence

Did you think I didn't know that!

Dan

Uh, what?

Hortence

I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]

Dan

Oh.

Jeremiah

This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.

Dan

Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.

Hortence

[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.

Dan

Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--

Hortence

[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!

Dan

That's not how I feel about you!

Chris

Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?

Dan

Because I forgot to get her number.

Chris

[finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?

Dan

Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!

Chris

Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-

Dan

By a dinosaur.

Chris

Learning to- What?

Dan

I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.

Chris

You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?

Dan

Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.

Chris

I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.

Dan

Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.

Chris

I do not. I don't.

Whatever, fatso.

Chris

I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.

Dan

This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?

I mean, I've avoided them up to now.

Chris

Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.

Dan

Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.

Chris

I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.

Dan

Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.

Chris

Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"

Dan

Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?

Chris

It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?

Dan

This is your "must-see" television show?

Chris

Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.

Dan

I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.

Elise

What are you doing here, Dan?

Dan

What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.

Elise

Oh, he's not just watching it.

Chris

He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!

Dan

There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?

Elise

Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.

Dan

I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!

Chris

It's not an epidemic, Dan.

Dan

Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.

Elise

Come on.

Dan

Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!

Chris

Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.

Dan

But.

Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.

Dan

Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.

Elise

Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-

We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.

Chris

Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!

Elise

With clogged arteries for the contestants.

Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.

Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.

Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?

Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?

I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-

I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.

I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!

Dan

I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.

Chris

I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]

Dan

Gross!

Elise

You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.

Dan

I demand to see the Governor.

Whizza-what?

Dan

The Governor!

Happy-pologies, scuba tank. No doma. Yerba mat-tay.

Dan

This is going nowhere. I think physical violence is our only recourse.

Chris

Agreed.

Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces!

Dan

[angrily] I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR!

Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]

Dan

Finally.

Chris

You're Eminence.

Dan

What are you doing?

Chris

I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?

So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?

Dan

That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.

Chris

I don't think he's legally-

Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.

Dan

Thank you. First of all-

Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.

Dan

[yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!

Like I can read.

Dan

That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.

Oh I can do that.

Dan

Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.

Chris

I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries. Hey, when it gets here, time me!

Dan

[furious] Ugh! For the last time, no!

Chris

An athlete needs a support network, Dan. Don't you want to me my athletic supporter?

Dan

Don’t make this weird!

Chris

I need to find out if I have what it takes. I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.

Dan

There he is!

And that's why, back on the farm, they used to-

Dan

So, Governor, we meet again.

Chris

Your majesty.

Dan

We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.

Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.

Dan

Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.

I agree.

Dan

So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.

I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.

Dan

Second, we can't cut education any further. We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.

Good. Science is for nerds. And hypocrites.

Dan

What?

Scientists. You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy?

Dan

Uh no. What?!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.

Dan

Are you kidding me?!

Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son. I saw the first 5. Or maybe I saw one of 'em 5 times. [laughs] I'm not sure!

Dan

You are part of the problem!

Why do you hate America?

Dan

I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better!

You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Dan

There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.

Chris

I'm just seeing a lot of video games. Most of which I own.

Dan

Ah, ha! [picks up the fire ant farm] New plan. We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber. Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon?

Chris

[picks up a mini-fryer] A mini-fryer!

Dan

A what?

Chris

It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.

Dan

Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.

Dan

[takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.

Chris

I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]

Dan

[whispering] He's coming! Get ready!

Chris

[he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!

Dan

I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]

[on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.

Chris

[gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.

You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.

Dan

[voiceover] I'll get you for this!

Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]

I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?

Chris

A lot?

I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.

Elise

Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.

Dan

[on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [hangs up] Aargh!! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!

Chris

Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?

Dan

I have been repeatedly-

Chris

What?!

Dan

No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.

Chris

Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.

Dan

Weren't you a telemarketer?

Chris

Those were dark times.

Dan

[picks up the call] Hello?

[on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?

Dan

STOP CALLING ME!

Chris

Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.

Dan

Good. Now buy me lunch.

Elise

Chris! Did you hear that?

Chris

Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?

Elise

Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.

Dan

Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?

Elise

I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?

Dan

Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?

Elise

What are you doing here?

Dan

Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!

Elise

Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?

Dan

I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.

Elise

Who does?

Dan

Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.

Elise

Why don't you turn your phone off?

Dan

I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.

Elise

Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.

Dan

I think you mean eviscerate.

Elise

I know what I said.

Chris

[wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?

Dan

Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.

Elise

Dan! You are leaving!

Dan

I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.

Elise

Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.

Dan

Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?

Elise

They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.

Dan

Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!

Elise

Chris, would you make us some cocoa?

Elise

They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.

Dan

67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?

Chris

I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.

Dan

Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!

Elise

It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.

Dan

Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!

Chris

Good cocoa takes time.

Elise

I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.

Dan

That could take forever!

Elise

Let the record show I was done before Chris.

Chris

Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?

Elise

Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.

Dan

I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.

Elise

You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.

Dan

How do you mean?

Elise

They outsourced to Reseda.

Chris

What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.

Dan

Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!

Elise

As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]

Dan

Are you coming?

Chris

[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!

Dan

[worried] But-

Chris

[angrily] SIT DOWN!

Dan

[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.

Elise

According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.

Dan

I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!

Chris

Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.

Hiya, Dan. How've you been?