[on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [hangs up] Aargh!! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!
Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?
No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Weren't you a telemarketer?
[picks up the call] Hello?
[on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?
Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
[while Chris and Elise are sleeping, Elise wakes up in the middle to hear Dan watching TV late at night]
Chris! Did you hear that?
Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?
Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.
Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?
I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?
Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?
Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!
Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?
I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.
Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.
Why don't you turn your phone off?
I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.
Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.
I think you mean eviscerate.
[wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?
Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.
I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.
Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.
Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?
They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.
Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!
Chris, would you make us some cocoa?
[while Chris is making cocoa, Dan and Elise are sitting down on the table while Elise is using her computer]
They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.
67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?
I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.
Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!
It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.
Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!
I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.
Let the record show I was done before Chris.
Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?
Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.
I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.
You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.
They outsourced to Reseda.
What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.
Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!
As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]
[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]
[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise head to an office]
According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.
I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!
Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.
Hiya, Dan. How've you been?
[Dan is shocked about the telemarketer]
It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!
Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!
Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?
So I should just let it go then?
By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?
Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?
And you'll stop calling me, too?
[laughs] It's adorable that you think that.
Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.
Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.
I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.
Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?
Um, I had not thought of that..
Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.
[yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.
[angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-
Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.
He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with!
[angrily] YOU HEAR ME IN THERE!? YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME MAD! I LAUGH AT YOU! [laughs angrily] YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BITE YOU! RARH! RARH! [grumbling to himself until Chris and Elise head to the car]
Bite his face off, that’s what I’ll do.
Calm down, Dan. Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-
You don’t need to explain. It’s like I told Chris when I was driving to your wedding. [Chris saddened] “Don’t marry Elise. She’s a jerk!”
What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee for me to help you now!
When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.
[They drop Dan off]
Some friends! Don’t expect my help when the people yout sent to jail for six months come back for revenge!
[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
PPolice Officer
Run this by me one more time.
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
PPolice Officer
While you were in jail?
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
PPolice Officer
So he's you?
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
PPolice Officer
And then he attacked you?
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
PPolice Officer
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.
PPolice Officer
Uh, hear what?
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
PPolice Officer
With pleasure. That door's that way.
[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
PPolice Officer
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
PPolice Officer
Oh, so he's here now?
[voiceover] That was very smooth.
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
[Dan chases the telemarketer through the street]
[whining] Oh no Dan. [heads to the police station]
You've got to help me! He's crazy! He's crazy!
PPolice Officer
Who's crazy?
PPolice Officer
You again? Put down the weapon, sir.
Back off, copper. This is between me and- [the police office teases him with a stun gun]
I don't wanna be rude but, he's still moving. Could you-
PPolice Officer
I really shouldn't, but okay. [he continues to tease Dan]
[at the end, Dan is in jail, bragging to the imposter that he can't be bothered by telemarketing calls]
[in jail] So in conclusion, I'm using my one phone call to let you know that, while it would appear to the untrained observer that I have lost this battle, I have, in fact, won. I get to spend the next 6 weeks in a place where no telemarketer can call me. So, ha-ha!
[in the lake fishing] Alright, Danno, I guess you did win. Man, that guy should learn to let stuff go. [whistles as the episode ends]
