It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!
Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!
Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?
So I should just let it go then?
By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?
Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?
And you'll stop calling me, too?
[laughs] It's adorable that you think that.
Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.
Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.
I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.
Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?
Um, I had not thought of that..
Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
ChrisYou'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.
[yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.
[angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-
[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
PPolice Officer
Run this by me one more time.
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
PPolice Officer
While you were in jail?
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
PPolice Officer
So he's you?
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
PPolice Officer
And then he attacked you?
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
PPolice Officer
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.
PPolice Officer
Uh, hear what?
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
PPolice Officer
With pleasure. That door's that way.
[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
PPolice Officer
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
PPolice Officer
Oh, so he's here now?
[voiceover] That was very smooth.
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
Chris
Hey Dan. What's new?
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
[Chris is eating popcorn as Dan comes to scare him]
How can you watch that filth?
Chris
How long have you been standing there?
Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Chris
Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!
I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.
Chris
What slimeball?
Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!
TTony
[on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.
BBuddy
[on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.
Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
Chris
[as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?
Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?
[Dan clears his throat as he leaves Chris and Elise's house]
Chris
You're right. One of us should probably stay.
How hard is it to turn off a TV?
BSBuddy Star
[on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!
[a man runs off screaming by Dan]
Chris
[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.
At least we got all these great vegetables.
Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!
Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?
Chris
Woo-hoo!
OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Chris
Why do you know that?
Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--
Chris
[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?
That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Chris
Well, you should write him sometime.
Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-
Chris
Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.
[as he leaves the car] Baby!
[arrives at Toddler Todd's Tykeland while two little boys come close to him such as getting sprayed in the face and grossed out by a kid with boogers] Ah! Ahem! [he goes on stage while a little boy hugs his leg with another little boy following him as he gets ready to give attention to everyone] Ahem!!!! [he grunts as a little kid hits him with a floatable hammer and kicks the recorder off the table] May I have your attention please? [angrily] SHUT UP!!! [normal voice] I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested. For clown trafficking. [the baby cries much to Dan's yelling] Yeah. I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan. Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you. DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge. The 3 pillars of parenthood.
Jean Goodhill. We met earlier in the park. I'm not sure I understand. Well, Jean- [Jean's baby continues crying] Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves. Oh do you now? Watch and learn. Ahem. [imitating baby noises to Jean's baby] WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!!
TTodd
[pops out of the car's trunk] This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.
Chris
That was random.
[the kids are working at Toddler Todd's Tykeland much to Dan's dismay]
Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit. You love this thing, right? [yells at Kale] BACK TO WORK! [Kale leaves] Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method. I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold. I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy. And I-
JJean
Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage?
Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.
JJean
I really hope you don't have kids. You'd make an awful parent.
What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world!
TTodd
[shows up injured] Help me! I've been assaulted!
There's a simple explanation- [he runs off to Chris]
Chris
Hey, Dan, question for you-
No, it didn't go well in there. Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone. You have to lead by example. Chris, I've decided to become a father.
[Dan is having an interview at adoption agency]
Chris
Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.
IInterviewer
Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?
Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.
IInterviewer
Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?
Hmm, what do you think, Chris?
IInterviewer
I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.
IInterviewer
Just sign here and you're all set.
Chris
Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?
So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?
IInterviewer
Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.
But I wanted to drive home a new child today.
IInterviewer
I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.
What do you mean, "settle"?
[the interviewer is giving Dan a tour]
IInterviewer
This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.
It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?
KKid
[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.
Chris
[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.
What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.
Chris
You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.
Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.
Chris
Aah! [hangs up]
[at the end, Dan and Dennis go out of the store as the police officer helps Dennis' mom picks Dennis up]
So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]
DMDennis' Mom
There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.
What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.
DMDennis' Mom
Dan, he'll never be yours.
Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.
DMDennis' Mom
It's not just that.
Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.
DMDennis' Mom
I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.
[angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.
DMDennis' Mom
Oh, I will.
Chris
So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]
Chris
Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.
[Dan arrives at Gigundo-Mart]
Welcome to Gigundo-Mart. May I-may I- [coughs] May I see your membership card?
Nah. I'll just take a pat down.
Sorry, sir. We don't do pat downs. Members only.
Oh, in that case. [he runs inside Gigundo-Mart, only to be caught by the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
That's how we did it on San Juan hill.
I'll see myself out. San Juan Hill? Not my fault that guy had a bad vacation in Puerto Rico. [gasps as he saw Chris what he bought from Gigundo-Mart] Ah-ha! So the truth is revealed
Chris
Oh, hi Dan.
You're sleeping with the enemy.
Chris
I'm not sleeping with anyone. Plus, this isn't the enemy. It's just a store. They sell things. Things you might even want to buy. Lighter fluid, crow bars.
My crowbar is almost worn down to the nub. But I'm not gonna buy one here!
Chris
Right, you can't. They come in an 8 pack. Look, I like Gigundo-Mart's buck busting values on things I use every day. Help me with these raccoon traps?
I will not be an enabler. Either boycott this behemoth or this friendship is finito.
Chris
So it's your way or the highway?
Get this straight bulk-head: there is no highway! Just a lonely road with you on it!
Chris
My choco-dillas are melting. I'll see you later. [drives away]
I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.
If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile. So we should probably set the timer for 30 seconds just to be safe.
[reading the sign] Oh, they're hiring.
Well, I do need a new job. I heard this place has great benefits.
What about the cookies? [angrily grabs Wally by the suit] Think of the cookies man!
I need to cut down on sugar anyway.
Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! [sees Elise walking by] Elise, what are you doing here?
Taking this place down. I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.
Pssh! What can you do that I can't? [Elise shrinks a car] Awesome! Gimme, gimme!
Gimme! [they engage in SR51 tug-of-war, Elise's phone rings]
Hello? Chris, calm down. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Can you do that?
Chris
[using his foot as a hand on his phone to talk to Elise, he is having withdrawal symptoms] NO! Must...go...shop... So cold...
Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.
Chris
Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey. Pickle relish by the drum... Six pack of lawn mowers... Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor's in.
Let me talk to him. Maybe I can help. [Elise hands Dan her phone to talk to Chris] Hey, Chris, buddy, havin' a hard time?
Chris
Uh-huh!
Good! That's what you get for letting me down!
Dan! [Dan gives Elise her phone back, gives the SR51 to Dan] Chris, hand in there and- [Dan runs off] Hey!
[Dan hijacks the shopping cart, Elise chases him, the kid laughs, they enter inside Gigundo-Mart, the greeter looks at Dan while Wally is showing his membership card]
AAnnouncer
You're listening to K-L-I-E, the Lie! The Lie! All conspiracy theories, all the time. Now, before we give you proof that Bigfoot is working for the Vatican, it's time to- [Chris picks Dan up as he turns off the radio and drives away with him]
Chris
Morning, Dan.
Shhh! That's right, we're honoring the 25th anniversary of the film, "Space Monkeys from Planet Space" by giving away another awesome prize!
Chris
Space Monkeys from Planet Space? That is the greatest movie of all time!
AAnnouncer
We're actually giving away the actual Space Monkey Death Ray Gun used by Captain Jack Tatterson.
The gun Captain Tatterson used to defeat the Blorg at the top of Mount Climax.
Chris
Sending all the monkeys into the green-screen abyss of planet space.
AAnnouncer
Alright, the Space Monkey Death Ray Gun will go to the 97th caller who can tell me the name of the Space Monkeys from Planet Space's Cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school.
DCDan and Chris
William Henry Harrison!
Chris
Hello?
AAnnouncer
Hi, you're on KLIE, The Lie! The Lie! Can you tell me the name of the cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school?
Chris
William Harry Henderson!
AAnnouncer
Uh-we'll take it!
[Dan and Chris cheer but Chris' car goes out of control]
[in his apartment with his rewards] And now for the piece de resistance.
Chris
[comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.
[takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.
Chris
YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.
You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!
Chris
I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.
Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]
Chris
Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]
Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!
Chris
Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.
Chris
You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]
DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!
[Chris and Elise arrive in their room as they see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get Chris' death ray out of the wall]
Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.
Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
Chris
[angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?
All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?
I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!
Chris
Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.
I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.
As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]
[while walking through town] You don't tell me what the plan is, I tell YOU what the plan is. Huh. I have that same poster. And I have that exact foosball table. Weird. [sees two people dressed up as Dan] Wait a minute! [he runs to his apartments] Unhand my cat, you wretch!
OOld Lady
[falls down through the stairs] Oh, my poor old lady hip!
[angrily arrives at his apartment] You!
Chris
Hey, Dan. I figured that since you can't tell the difference between your stuff and my stuff.
You gave everything away? Even my box of Dan's special memories?
Chris
All of it. How does that feel? [Dan angrily throws the grende to Chris] Was that a grenade? [Dan attacks and chokes him but he throws Dan off of him] Congratulations, Dan. Now your apartment is as bleak and empty as your soul. Have a nice day!
Chris is going to get his! I don't care if he DID leave me with my cereal and milk. [eats his cereal and milk but he realize it was cream] What? Oh, no! Oh you no good, rotten- uurrgghh! [lands on the floor] Mr. Mumbles You have to kill me. Please. I don't know how! Just do it!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
