Chris! Quit acting suspicious!
ChrisI'm not! And quit using my name!
Chris
I think we should leave now.
Chris
What?
We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
Chris
Okay, but-
But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Chris
Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Chris
Chain on it.
Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Chris
Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
Chris
[dress in a clown suit] I feel ridiculous.
Good. It's your punishment for trying to bail out on me.
Chris
But-!
Hey, you heard Elise. She said "Go with Dan and wear a clown suit".
Chris
I don't think that's what she said.
I think that went pretty well.
Chris
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
Chris
I have been against this plan from day 1!
Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
Chris
What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
Chris
This is your fault!
Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Chris
Good!
Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.
[screams outside as Elise and Chris hear him from outside] Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost- [screams again when he gets caught in a mousetrap] stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting!
Chris
[finds Dan outside] Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing?
How do I get out of this thing?
Chris
You could try gnawing your own leg off.
You think this is funny?!
Chris
Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
Chris
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember?
And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower. Come with me.
Chris
Do you know what time it is?
I don't care what time it is! I need help. There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway. Listen to me very carefully: I hate you. Also, THERE IS A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!
Chris
I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week. Sort of a "stay-cation.
First off, that's not a real thing. Second, there's no time for your foolishness. I have just been ejected from my own domicile!
Chris
By a monster. Under your bed.
Chris
After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported-
There's nothing to see in Rome!
Chris
I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun. For once.
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we?
Chris
[sighs] I'll get my keys.
Wait! Bring me some pants.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night while Dan is dressed up in Chris' outfit]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan and Chris] Baby.
Don't you have parents? Do you see it?
Chris
The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
[opens the door but realizes that he is missing his keys] I left my keys inside.
Chris
Do you have a spare?
Of course. [takes Chris' sandal off of Chris' foot]
Chris
What are you doing? Let go!
[gets the key out of Chris' sandal] Yuck. Wash your feet.
Chris
That's not okay, you know.
[as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?
Chris
I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
It wasn't a dream! It was right here!
Chris
Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.
It's not garbage until I throw it out!
Chris
I'm going home. [walks away]
Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?
Chris
For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?
What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?
Chris
There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]
[runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Chris
Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Chris
Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
Chris
If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
Chris
This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Because it's 2 in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
[while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
Chris
I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
Chris
What is it?
It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
Chris
I'll wait until the tests come back.
Chris
[drives Dan home while Dan yawns] Dan, you should really listen to Elise. Agsagoth is no joke.
Chris
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle. That's already happened.
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Chris
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
Chris
[he and Dan arrive in front of Dan's apartment] No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
[opens the door] Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
[a monster throws a figure out of Dan's apartment, Dan and Chris find a figure outside as they find the real monster in Dan's apartment much to their shock]
[closes his apartment as a monster roars] I think we should run.
Chris
That was close. [he and Dan run off]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan again as Dan runs off] Baby.
[Dan angrily screams in front of the little girl's face which causes her to cry]
[Dan and Chris are in the car]
Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.
Chris
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
Chris
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?
Chris
[stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?
No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]
Chris
This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Chris
Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
Chris
Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Chris
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?
Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
Chris
So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?
Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!
Chris
It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!
Chris
Uh, Dan. Look.
How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]
Chris
Okay, now look.
[sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Chris
Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
Chris
He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Chris
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
[angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!
Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!
Chris
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!
For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!
[comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?
Chris
Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]
Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [a golf ball smashes Dan's car windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!
[dressed up like a Scottish Golfer, Scottish Accent] I don't see no wedge, mate. Nothing in here but golf clubs. [phone rings] Aye aye? This be him. No, I already get long distance service. Yes, I'll hear you out.
[Scottish Accent] Aye, sir.
Chris
Um, I had three.
[Scottish Accent] What did ye say? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye!
[Scottish Accent] This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score?
[Scottish Accent] Um, sure.
[Scottish Accent] I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
Chris
Dan, knock it off.
[Scottish Accent] Who's Dan? I'm Scotty the Scot.
Chris
Just go home.
[takes off hat and sunglasses, normal voice] Not until you quit playing golf forever!
Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here?
Stay out of this, fancy pants! This is between me and Chris!
And security! [two security guards use binoculars, Mr. Bainbridge points at Dan]
You'll never take me alive!
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
