ChrisSigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
Chris
I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Chris
Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
Chris
Sorry.
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
[reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Like who looks better in evening wear?
Like single combat to the death.
A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
Chris
[on the phone] I'm just so thirsty.
WWoman
Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency.
Chris
[still hallucinating] It feels like an emergency. Plus there's still all those flying monkeys.
WWoman
Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you--
Chris
And I've been poisoned.
WWoman
Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir.
Chris
Oh, good! Have them bring water.
WWoman
Paramedics are on the way.
[paramedics arrive and kick open the door]
Chris
Hey, guys!
PParamedic A
Yep. He's been poisoned, all right.
PBParamedic B
Clear! [he zaps Chris with the defibrillator]
PParamedic A
What did you do that for? I- I just said he was poisoned!
PBParamedic B
I don't know! I panicked!
PParamedic A
Great, rookie. Now he's poisoned and unconscious.
PBParamedic B
I said I was sorry.
PParamedic A
You know, I don't think you did.
[Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown]
Chris
Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?
Dan, let him have a cookie.
Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
Chris
Who's this?
Chris
Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
NNinja
Former ninja. You can call me Dave.
Chris
Oh. Hi, Dave.
[on the phone] No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.
Chris
[comes to Dan's apartment] Hey, Dan.
I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.
Chris
She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.
Chris
I don't think so.
Chris
Elise's birthday's coming up. You got that 20 bucks you owe me?
Make her buy her own present!
Chris
Yeah, that's what we did last year. You said you'd pay me back this time.
[shows Chris a teddy bear] You'll have to speak with my attorney.
Chris
Dan, this is not a legal matter. I'm not suing you. I just want my money.
[shows Chris a dental teddy bear] Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.
Chris
Hey, that's a cute bear. Where'd you get it?
The last time I was at the dentist's. [Chris takes the Dan's dental bear away] I had a root canal. They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming. Didn't work.
Chris
Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal?
That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.
Chris
Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.
[grabs his bear away from Chris] No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value!
Chris
This bear is payment of debt! [Dan and Chris pull the bear together until the bear breaks Dan's tooth] Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the-
Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! He'll get his!
Chris
Right now?
Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain!
Chris
Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.
Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen!
Chris
He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How?
Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back!
Chris
Decades later?
He's a long-term strategist. And he's playing 4th-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string!
Chris
I think you're mixing up games.
Go fish! I'm in horrible pain!
Chris
Well, it worked. I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.
And play into their hands?
Chris
What other option do you have?
We're going to fix it ourselves.
Chris
We? You mostly.
I can't see inside my own mouth.
Chris
I'm not a dentist.
Chris
So I can trust you.
Chris
I'm not putting my hand in your mouth. You're a biter. [he leaves but Dan stops him]
You're helping, so shut up!
RReceptionist
Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.
[walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.
Chris
Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.
Chris
Were you rude to her?
Chris
Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.
Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.
RReceptionist
[voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.
Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.
LBLittle Boy
Your son is weird.
Chris
He really is.
RReceptionist
Sir, please quit struggling.
Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
Well, hello, Danny. Nice to see you again.
You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.
Now, let's just calm down. I promise I'll only look, okay? [looks at Dan's teeth] Oh, dear. Been some time since you've been in for a visit. How'd you break your tooth?
You know darn well it was your trap bear.
Well, let's start with a simple cleaning. It won't hurt a bit, I promise.
Wait! No, no! Get away from me! [he freaks out while Chris and the kids feel embarrassed] Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me!
TBToddler Boy
Mama, I'm scared!
TBToddler Boy's Mother
No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.
Oh! Please, just kill me! [the baby cries] Chris, help! I'm not going in there! [Chris goes out of the lobby to check on Dan] Oh, it burns! It burns!
Chris
How's it going?
We haven't done anything yet. Haven't even touched him!
I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! [the receptionist covers his mouth] Hey, wanna go to a movie with me?
RReceptionist
Was he like that last time?
Chris
Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.
I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.
Chris
At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.
Chris
Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.
Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?
Chris
Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.
Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.
Chris
You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.
And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?
Chris
Not really.
Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!
Chris
Oh, what's your plan?
We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!
Chris
Wow, I am so not okay with that.
Oh, come on. You said you'd help.
Chris
Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?
Chris
If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?
[Dan and Chris confront Dr. Pullum]
Stop right there, madman!
Try a little Novocain! [he shocks Chris]
Chris
Oh, no, I'm going numb.
Not likely, I'm afraid. I call this the excruciator! [he shocks Dan] Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.
It's Dan. I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.
While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant. I can cause you excruciating agony any time I want.
Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions. I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear. At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project. You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.
Chris
I can't, I'm all floppy.
My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the WORLD! [evilly laughs] And now our little game has come to an end. For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out. It's a shame I must destroy you now. Goodbye, Danny!
The name is Dan! [he throws his dental teddy bear to break Dr. Pullum's teeth which causes Dr. Pullum to whine, he then steps on the remote and crushes it] Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device!
My teeth! My beautiful teeth! [his teeth breaks as Dan hits the emergency button] No!
MMachine
Self-destruct activated. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[while the machine countdowns to destruction, Dr. Pullum quickly leaves while Dan grabs Chris' feet as the two head out]
Chris
Ow, ooh, ow!
Chris
Sorry.
MMachine
Have a nice day, goodbye.
[Dr. Pullum's hideout explodes thanks to Dan]
[satisfied] Now that's what I call tooth decay!
Chris
Ha.
[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]
That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.
Chris
I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
Got my message? Why was your phone off?
Chris
Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.
This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.
Chris
So what do you need me for?
Chris
I promise. Why am I here?
Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.
Chris
Another one?
What do you mean another one?
Chris
Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.
What was that? I wasn't listening.
Chris
What's the problem, Dan?
Well, they won't let me sleep.
Chris
[eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?
Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.
Chris
[eating Dan's meatloaf] How?
You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.
Chris
Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?
Chris
No!
Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.
Chris
Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.
What if I just poison the guy who works there?
Chris
That would be murder.
But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.
Chris
I don't think that will sway the jury.
So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.
Chris
Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?
Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
Chris
Do you have more than one meatloaf?
Who has more than one meatloaf!?
Chris
[spins around] Oh no! Oh no!
Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.
Chris
I'm feeling pretty light-headed.
Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.
Chris
I think I'm going to faint.
Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]
Chris
Hello.
Chris
Who is this?
Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]
What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?
Chris
Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Chris
Always covered in something.
Chris
So do we have a plan?
Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
Chris
That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!
Chris
Now it's a checklist.
Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
Chris
I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
What do you know about it?
Chris
A little bit, actually.
Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.
Chris
Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.
Chris
What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."
You're right. Normal people never apologize.
Chris
No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."
What does that rhyme with?
Chris
Mata Hari?
Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?
Chris
Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.
What are you hiding from me?
Chris
I'm 1/16 Canadian.
Chris
It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Are you trying to sabotage my mission?
Chris
No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
Chris
I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.
Chris
Then you can get to Canada on your own.
I don't even know where Canada is.
Chris
It's north. You can't miss it.
Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.
Chris
You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
