[goes on a walk with comic books on his hand] Grab bags, what a scam. They lure you in with something you like. Hmm. Something with an uplifting message. What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt. Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever. No dark side, no inner rage. He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower. So many maple leaves.
MMan
Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?
MMan
We need your help to save the Canadian geese.
I don't even like American geese. One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.
MMan
I'm sure that's not true.
Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher. I say it bit me! like this! Ohh! Ooh! And this. [the man leaves and falls on syrup] Ugh. Sticky. Maple syrup? [picks up the maple syrup jar] Who's responsible for this? CANADA!
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]
Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]
What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?
Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Always covered in something.
Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!
Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
What do you know about it?
Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.
Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.
What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."
You're right. Normal people never apologize.
No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."
What does that rhyme with?
Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?
Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.
What are you hiding from me?
It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Are you trying to sabotage my mission?
No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.
Then you can get to Canada on your own.
I don't even know where Canada is.
It's north. You can't miss it.
Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.
You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?
[Dan and Chris arrive at Quebec as they read the stop sign]
Look. They spelled stop wrong. Canadians.
It's French. I think we're in Quebec.
What? I hate Quebec. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [hits the stop sign] I hate it! Whoa. What's this? Hmm. I'm beginning to like their style.
[Dan and Chris were thrown out by the French organization]
Would you get up? We're on a mission.
You landed on my kidneys.
You, you, you. What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused. We need to find that map.
The Geological Society of Canada.
[Dan and Chris are at a hospital after getting hurt by the security guards]
Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick?
At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us. Canadians are polite. Violent, but polite.
We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.
They have socialized medicine up here, Dan. They're not gonna charge us.
Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't take their side.
Did you just say, "Sory"?
Huh? No. No. You're hearing things.
You did. You said, "Sory."
I've had my doubts about you from the beginning. You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou!
I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.
Hoser? I knew it. You are half bear. And I don't need you. Get out.
Well, good luck. You're stupid. [he opens the door while he and Dan give themselves serious looks, then Dan finds a map while he hears an announcement] You're holding it upside down.
I know that! [turns the map normal]
Wait a minute. What's this?
[yelling] I don't know! I can't read maps! [crumbles the map]
I've got it. What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.
I'm taking this stethoscope.
[at the end, Dan and Chris end up getting sick after they came home from Canada during an avalanche]
[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.
[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.
Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.
[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?
