Chris quotes from Dan Vs.

Chris

Wait a minute.

Dan

Look. They spelled stop wrong. Canadians.

Chris

It's French. I think we're in Quebec.

Dan

What? I hate Quebec. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [hits the stop sign] I hate it! Whoa. What's this? Hmm. I'm beginning to like their style.

Dan

Would you get up? We're on a mission.

Chris

You landed on my kidneys.

Dan

You, you, you. What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused. We need to find that map.

Chris

All right. Where to now?

Dan

The Geological Society of Canada.

Chris

Where's that?

Dan

No idea.

Chris

Is there such a thing?

Dan

No idea.

Dan

Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick?

Chris

At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us. Canadians are polite. Violent, but polite.

Dan

We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.

Chris

They have socialized medicine up here, Dan. They're not gonna charge us.

Dan

Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't take their side.

Chris

Sorry.

Dan

Did you just say, "Sory"?

Chris

Huh? No. No. You're hearing things.

Dan

You did. You said, "Sory."

Chris

I did not.

Dan

I've had my doubts about you from the beginning. You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou!

Chris

I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.

Dan

Hoser? I knew it. You are half bear. And I don't need you. Get out.

Chris

Fine.

Dan

Fine.

Chris

Good luck getting home.

Dan

Good luck being stupid.

Chris

Well, good luck. You're stupid. [he opens the door while he and Dan give themselves serious looks, then Dan finds a map while he hears an announcement] You're holding it upside down.

Dan

I know that! [turns the map normal]

Chris

Wait a minute. What's this?

Dan

[yelling] I don't know! I can't read maps! [crumbles the map]

Chris

I've got it. What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.

Dan

I'm taking this stethoscope.

Elise

[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.

Dan

[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.

Chris

Who's that? [hangs up]

Elise

Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.

Dan

[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

Chris

Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan

Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

Chris

Hello.

Dan

We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris

Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan

With Elise?

Elise

Yes, Dan.

Dan

You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Dan

Baseball is a contemptible sport.

Chris

It's not contemptible.

Dan

It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris

How exactly?

Dan

It preempted my stories.

Chris

I meant the mirror thing.

Dan

Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris

He's called a commissioner.

Dan

Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris

How do you plan to do that?

Dan

Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.

Chris

Okay, I'll go.

Dan

I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris

Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in 3 days.

Dan

Wait. You like baseball?

Chris

I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan

Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris

Uh, no.

Dan

Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.

Dan

[after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris

Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]

Chris

No problem.

This old thing was just sitting around.

Dan

[inside the chair] Ow!

Chris

Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.

That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?

Chris

Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.

So you have a husband?

Elise

Not anymore.

Let's go on a date.

Elise

Snap out of it, Chris!

Where?

Dan

I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.

Chris

I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.

Dan

I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]

Chris

Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!

Dan

[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!

Chris

Can we turn the spooky music off?

No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.

Chris

When was the last time you washed your hands?

Dan

Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.

Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.

Dan

He's here.

Chris

She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.

George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.

Chris

Continental Army.

That's what I said.

Chris

Is not-- Ow!

Dan

Is it really you, Mr. Washington?

Yes. Now what question can I help you with?

Chris

Dan, no!

What are you, a psychopath?

Dan

Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!

Chris

There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]

The spell is broken.

Dan

Oh, come on!

You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.

Dan

Well, you should have told me that before we started.

Just give me my $50 and get out.

Dan

You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.

Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.

Chris

Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?

Dan

Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.

Chris

But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.

Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?

Chris

This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.

Dan

So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.

Chris

Fine. What's your middle name, George?

I didn't have one?

Chris

Actually, I think that's right.

Dan

You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!

Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?

Dan

I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.

Chris

Come on. Let's go.

Dan

This isn't over.

The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!

Chris

[at the car] That was a waste of time.

Dan

Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.

Dan

I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!

Chris

You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.

Elise

Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.

Dan

Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!

Elise

I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.

Dan

The last thing I need is- Really?

Elise

Yes!

Dan

Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.

Elise

You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?

Dan

I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.

Elise

[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Chris

Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?

Dan

Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Chris

And what state is it in?

Dan

D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?

Elise

So there is a savant half.

Home, sweet home.

Dan

Lovely place you have here.

Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.

Chris

Actually, I am a bit parched.

It's also where I take my baths.

Dan

What time is it, by the way?

Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.

Dan

Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.

Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?

Dan

[while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.

I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.

Chris

[flatly] We get you.

Chris

So can we go home now?

Dan

Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?

Chris

You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?

Dan

What are you talking about?

Chris

Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.

Dan

Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!

Chris

See?

Dan

I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.

Chris

If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.

Dan

Oh, I think that's a stretch.

Chris

You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]

Dan

We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.

Chris

We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]

To the ends of the Earth!

Chris

Well, I've been wrong before.

Chris

It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.

Dan

You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.

Elise

That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?

Dan

Yes, date.

Elise

Seriously? With a real, live girl?

Dan

And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?

Elise

I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?

Dan

The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.

Elise

Yes, devious. You talked to her.

Chris

And he found out that they had a lot in common.

Elise

Staggering.

Dan

I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.

Elise

I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.

Dan

It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.

Elise

Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.

Dan

What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.

Chris

Hey.

Dan

Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.

Elise

Why don't you just shave your head?

Dan

Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]

Hello.

Dan

Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.

The FBI?

Dan

Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.

But penguins live at the South Pole.

Dan

Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.

Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.

Dan

Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.

Bye.

Dan

She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.

Chris

I'd rather not.

Dan

It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.

Chris

Hmm. No.

Elise

Maybe something less felonious.

Dan

What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?