[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies as the Ninja is following him]
Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.
[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies]
NNinja
Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]
WWoman
Umm, drinking problem much?
There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before] NINJAAAAAAA!!!
Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.
I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.
Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?
Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
But how - How did you know it was a -
I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?
Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.
If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!
What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!
I don't break your plates.
[walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?
I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.
I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]
Now tell me it's not a ninja.
The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?
[closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.
Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?
What?! I'm always helping-
It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]
Did you notice anything strange right there?
You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?
No, Elise was acting funny.
I told you not to get married.
Okay, come out and let us take a look.
I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]
Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.
I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.
To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-
Okay, there's the part I don't like.
We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.
Well then I'm expendable?
Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.
No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
And we're hoping he poisons you instead!
I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.
Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!
So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!
And you just said probably.
Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.
Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
[reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Like who looks better in evening wear?
Like single combat to the death.
A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
[on the phone] I'm just so thirsty.
WWoman
Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency.
[still hallucinating] It feels like an emergency. Plus there's still all those flying monkeys.
WWoman
Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you--
WWoman
Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir.
Oh, good! Have them bring water.
WWoman
Paramedics are on the way.
[paramedics arrive and kick open the door]
PParamedic A
Yep. He's been poisoned, all right.
PBParamedic B
Clear! [he zaps Chris with the defibrillator]
PParamedic A
What did you do that for? I- I just said he was poisoned!
PBParamedic B
I don't know! I panicked!
PParamedic A
Great, rookie. Now he's poisoned and unconscious.
PBParamedic B
I said I was sorry.
PParamedic A
You know, I don't think you did.
[Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown]
Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?
Dan, let him have a cookie.
Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
NNinja
Former ninja. You can call me Dave.
