Chris and Dan in “Canada”

So do we have a plan?

Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.

That's not really a plan so much as a goal.

Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!

Now it's a checklist.

Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.

I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.

What do you know about it?

A little bit, actually.

Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.

Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.

Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.

What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."

You're right. Normal people never apologize.

No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."

What does that rhyme with?

Mata Hari?

Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?

Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.

What are you hiding from me?

I'm 1/16 Canadian.

And you never told me?

It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.

Are you trying to sabotage my mission?

No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.

Prove it.

I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.

And if I don't?

Then you can get to Canada on your own.

I don't even know where Canada is.

It's north. You can't miss it.

Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.

You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?

Goo.