[on the phone] No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.
[comes to Dan's apartment] Hey, Dan.
I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.
She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.
Elise's birthday's coming up. You got that 20 bucks you owe me?
Make her buy her own present!
Yeah, that's what we did last year. You said you'd pay me back this time.
[shows Chris a teddy bear] You'll have to speak with my attorney.
Dan, this is not a legal matter. I'm not suing you. I just want my money.
[shows Chris a dental teddy bear] Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.
Hey, that's a cute bear. Where'd you get it?
The last time I was at the dentist's. [Chris takes the Dan's dental bear away] I had a root canal. They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming. Didn't work.
Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal?
That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.
Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.
[grabs his bear away from Chris] No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value!
This bear is payment of debt! [Dan and Chris pull the bear together until the bear breaks Dan's tooth] Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the-
Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! He'll get his!
Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain!
Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.
Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen!
He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How?
Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back!
He's a long-term strategist. And he's playing 4th-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string!
I think you're mixing up games.
Go fish! I'm in horrible pain!
Well, it worked. I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.
And play into their hands?
What other option do you have?
We're going to fix it ourselves.
I can't see inside my own mouth.
I'm not putting my hand in your mouth. You're a biter. [he leaves but Dan stops him]
You're helping, so shut up!
RReceptionist
Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.
[walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.
Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.
Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.
Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.
RReceptionist
[voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.
Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.
LBLittle Boy
Your son is weird.
RReceptionist
Sir, please quit struggling.
Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
Well, hello, Danny. Nice to see you again.
You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.
Now, let's just calm down. I promise I'll only look, okay? [looks at Dan's teeth] Oh, dear. Been some time since you've been in for a visit. How'd you break your tooth?
You know darn well it was your trap bear.
Well, let's start with a simple cleaning. It won't hurt a bit, I promise.
Wait! No, no! Get away from me! [he freaks out while Chris and the kids feel embarrassed] Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me!
TBToddler Boy
Mama, I'm scared!
TBToddler Boy's Mother
No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.
Oh! Please, just kill me! [the baby cries] Chris, help! I'm not going in there! [Chris goes out of the lobby to check on Dan] Oh, it burns! It burns!
We haven't done anything yet. Haven't even touched him!
I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! [the receptionist covers his mouth] Hey, wanna go to a movie with me?
RReceptionist
Was he like that last time?
Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.
I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.
At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.
Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.
Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?
Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.
Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.
You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.
And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?
Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!
We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!
Wow, I am so not okay with that.
Oh, come on. You said you'd help.
Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?
If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?
[Dan and Chris confront Dr. Pullum]
Stop right there, madman!
Try a little Novocain! [he shocks Chris]
Not likely, I'm afraid. I call this the excruciator! [he shocks Dan] Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.
It's Dan. I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.
While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant. I can cause you excruciating agony any time I want.
Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions. I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear. At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project. You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.
My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the WORLD! [evilly laughs] And now our little game has come to an end. For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out. It's a shame I must destroy you now. Goodbye, Danny!
The name is Dan! [he throws his dental teddy bear to break Dr. Pullum's teeth which causes Dr. Pullum to whine, he then steps on the remote and crushes it] Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device!
My teeth! My beautiful teeth! [his teeth breaks as Dan hits the emergency button] No!
MMachine
Self-destruct activated. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[while the machine countdowns to destruction, Dr. Pullum quickly leaves while Dan grabs Chris' feet as the two head out]
MMachine
Have a nice day, goodbye.
[Dr. Pullum's hideout explodes thanks to Dan]
[satisfied] Now that's what I call tooth decay!
