Okay, everyone please focus, m'kay? Class is almost over and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.
[chuckling hard, but notices Butt-head isn't laughing] Uh, Butt-head?
Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in-"
Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard to squeeze in Uranus, okay?
Let's try to give him our attention.
[writing notes] Ah, I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.
Come on, Butt-head, what's going on?
Nothing, Beavis. This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.
Um, Butt-head, we're out of beers, Butt-head.
Uh, well go get some more, dumbass.
So go give some more blood.
Um, I went twice already this morning. They won't take my blood anymore, because they said it's too watery. Then I passed out, and some guy stole my cookie. I guess we need to like, get jobs or something.
Being unemployed is our job, dumbass. They send us money.
Okay, time to get your self-steam. Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself. Wonder what he looks like. Here we go. [Knocks on door only to be greeted by Butt-head]
Uh, what are you knocking for, dumbass? I thought you were the butthole the government sent.
The social worker called and asked if I needed help, 'cause the neighbors complained.
I pretended I was a fat dumbass who never gets off his couch, and he believed me.
I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-head, Butt-head.
I don't wanna have to report you, Beavis. Want me to get you fired?
Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-head.
If I get you fired, then we don't have any money. I'm doing this for us.
Dammit... self-steam sucks.
KSKiosk Salesman
[to a passerby] This is our most advanced VR glasses yet with almost no latency. Try them on, and you truly feel like you're going inside the video game.
Whoa! Did you hear that, Beavis?
Oh yeah yeah, he said "feel like you're going inside."
Uh, no, dumbass. He said those glasses make you feel like you're going inside a video game. Let's try 'em, Beavis.
I've always wanted to like, go inside a video game and eat some coins, and kick Luigi in the nads. Yeah. That would be cool.
Butt-head? What are we supposed to do in this game?
You dumbass, don't you know anything about video games? We're supposed to like, go find some weapons, and then at the end of the level, we kill a boss.
I think we need to like, talk to some NPCs. [they approach a tea salesman]
TSTea Salesman
Hi, would you like to try our blueberry mint tea?
No. Can you like, give us a mission?
Yeah, because we just started this game, and we need like, a flamethrower or something.
We need a mission, dumbass! Is there like, someone we can kill, and then you'll give us a sword, or something?
TSTea Salesman
Can you guys go do this somewhere else? You can't just come up to people trying to-
Is there like, a button to press so we can skip him talking?
TSTea Salesman
You can't just come up to people trying to do their job and just start saying weird-
Hey, come on! Skip! Skip! It's not working, Butt-head.
TSTea Salesman
I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about, you know, man?
Skip! Come on, skip! This interaction sucks.
Let's go find a flamethrower so we can come back and blow him up.
[mockingly] "I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about. Bleh bleh."
[walking home] So like, uh, what should we do when we get home?
Let me see, um, hey let's watch TV!
Uh, oh yeah! That's a good idea. This is gonna be cool. [approaches the door, only to find it locked]
Uh, oh! Maybe it's because I locked it.
Damn it, Beavis, why did you do that?
Well I watched a movie about a ghost, and I got scared.
It's called Ghost. Yeah. Really scary.
So how are we supposed to get in?
I figured we could just knock. You know, one of us is usually there, you know?
Uhh, we're both out here, Beavis.
Ohhh, yeah yeah. I'll be damned.
Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.
Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole! Now I'll never have to pee, because when you were asleep, I put a chip clip on my wiener. I win! I finally beat you at something. Yeah! [both of his kidneys burst] AAAAAH!!! Ah, my kidneys!
DDoctor
What's your pain level on a scale of one to ten?
[weakly] Sixty... nine... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle]
DDoctor
That's very high. If we can't find a kidney donor match for him soon, we're going to have to send him to hospice. [Beavis tries to get her attention] Yes?
[weakly] Y- you said "piss." [more chortling]
DDoctor
That's right buddy, I did. Hang in there.
MDMale Doctor
We found a match! There's only one in the entire state, and by God, we found him!
FDFemale Doctor
Is he willing to donate?
MDMale Doctor
He drove himself two hours to get here, and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can. In fact, he says he knows the both of you.
[Stewart appears]
Hey guys! It's me, Stewart! Remember me?
Stewart, your best buddy from high school!
Ha, you guys. The three amigos are back.
Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now. I'm waiting for some guy both of us know to give me a kidney.
FDFemale Doctor
N-no, this is your donor.
A part of Stewart's going inside you.
Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore, because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists, so I drove down to Mexico and got some good, old fashioned DDT. It's getting so Mexico is the only place you can be an American anymore. Yeah, just don't touch it now, it's real poisonous. [leaves]
Uh, well let's see. That says something in Spanish, uh, and that's a fly. Whoa! Spanish, fly. This is Spanish fly!
That's like, a after-disiac. It like, makes people who drink it wanna score.
Yeah but, but I already wanna score.
So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was like us?
Oh, yeah yeah. Then everyone would be scoring all the time! Yeah.
Beavis, we could make the world a better place.
Just look at all those people, Beavis. They have no idea that tonight, they shall score. This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.
I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah. Just feels good to do it, you know?
That's right, Beavis. Everyone having sex with each other right here in the gym will be its own reward.
Yeah yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.
LJLead Juror
Okay, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. It clearly shows the defendant robbed a Maxi Mart at gunpoint, threw a keg of beer through the front window, and got away with $600, and five cartons of cigarettes.
Whoa. That guy sounds pretty cool. I wanna meet him.
Yeah, really. Yeah, they should have brought him to this trial. Wouldn't have been so boring.
FJFemale Juror
He... was at the trial. He was sitting at the table the whole time.
You mean that guy in the black dress?
That old wuss robbed a store?
MJMale Juror
No, that's the judge. The defendant robbed the store.
Oh. Well the defendant kicks ass.
[after Beavis and Butt-head vote "not guilty"]
LJLead Juror
What do you mean he's not guilty?
Uh, I'm gonna like, vote for him, 'cause he's like, cool.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause he did all those cool crimes. You guys saw it.
LJLead Juror
So, you believe he did the crimes.
LJLead Juror
So then, that means he's guilty.
That's your opinion, ma'am.
LJLead Juror
Wh-what are you saying?
Uh, what I'm saying is this guy's cool. He did kick-ass crimes.
Yeah, he was brave. I'd like to see any of you try those cool crimes.
LJLead Juror
But that's what the word "guilty" means. He did the crimes. So both of you are voting "guilty," right?
Boy, Butt-head, this lady just doesn't get it. Wow.
Yeah. I guess we're gonna be here a while.
