Tom Anderson quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Tom Anderson

(Cleaning his glasses, unable to notice that his two workers are Beavis and Butt-Head wearing neard glasses) Well I can see you boys ain't like the usual hooligans running around here. Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver. Boy they've been nothing but trouble.

Tom Anderson

Now hold on just a second. [picks up phone] Well John Thomas! How long's it been? You still got Dick's number?

Tom Anderson

  Now, you'll only be painting the trim, and if I see so much as a drop of paint anywhere's else, you'll clean it up and it'll come out of your pay.  I don't want to see a whole lot of brush strokes and bubbles, neither.  You know, back when I'as in the service, they'd throw a fella in the brig for messing up the paint job.  Now, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.  [leaves]

Butt-head

  This sucks.

Beavis

  Yeah.

Tom Anderson

  That's it!  Get your worthless hides off my property and don't ever come back!

Butt-head

  Uh…okay, but, uh, we got just one question.

Tom Anderson

  Get out!

Butt-head

  Uh…can we be in your will?

Tom Anderson

You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.

Butt-head

Beavis does things by himself.

Butt-head

I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.

Beavis

Heh, yeah.

Tom Anderson

[to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.

Butt-head

[to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.

Tom Anderson

[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn] Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging.

Butt-head

Uh, can you like, shut up?

Tom Anderson

Say what?!

Butt-head

We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's hand.

Tom Anderson

Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?

Butt-head

Uh, right here!

Beavis

Me. Yeah, me!

Tom Anderson

Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.

Beavis

Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.

Tom Anderson

Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.

Butt-head

Uh...

Tom Anderson

Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!

Butt-head

He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.

Beavis

Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. [As they walk back to the house] Boing!

Tom Anderson

Ah, young love.

Tom Anderson

I'm gonna head to the barber to get my ears lowered, so I need you boys to sign for a couple two packages I got coming from the Amazon.

Butt-head

Package. [cackles]

Tom Anderson

They're a birthday present for Marcie, and my new hearing aid. That one's real important now, because I can't hear nothing without it.

Butt-head

Uhhh, did you hear me when I called you a butthole?

Tom Anderson

Well you're welcome. I knew I could count on you.

Tom Anderson

Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore, because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists, so I drove down to Mexico and got some good, old fashioned DDT. It's getting so Mexico is the only place you can be an American anymore. Yeah, just don't touch it now, it's real poisonous. [leaves]

Beavis

What is that stuff?

Butt-head

Uh, well let's see. That says something in Spanish, uh, and that's a fly. Whoa! Spanish, fly. This is Spanish fly!

Beavis

Ummm, what's that?

Butt-head

That's like, a after-disiac. It like, makes people who drink it wanna score.

Beavis

Yeah but, but I already wanna score.

Butt-head

So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was like us?

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Then everyone would be scoring all the time! Yeah.

Butt-head

Beavis, we could make the world a better place.

Tom Anderson

You just let me know when you see a deer, son.

Beavis

[looking through the binoculars] Whoa, whoa! It's Butt-head!

Tom Anderson

Buck head? You see a buck's head? [takes aim at Butt-head, who is looking for the spent bullet]

Butt-head

That bullet better be around here somewhere, or I'm gonna kick Beavis' ass.

Tom Anderson

Oh, oh I see him! I see him right there in that brush! Real scrawny fella. [About to fire]

Butt-head

Uhh... [suddenly distracted by two deer mating with one another] Whoa! You can see his weiner! [moves just as Tom fires, scaring the deer away] They got tired of scoring.

Tom Anderson

Now hold on there, boys, this here's the Legion Hall, and we're having a special get-together for Flag Day. Service members only.

Old Butt-head

Uhh, we're members.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah, we're from America.

Tom Anderson

Well, I'm glad to hear it, but I'm talking about people who laid it all on the line for this great country. Were you in the service?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh... yeah. We did like, service.

Old Beavis

Thank you, drive through. Would you like the combo for a dollar more?

Tom Anderson

You boys wore the uniform?

Old Beavis

Yeah, we had to wear a uniform. There was a hat and everything, yeah.

Old Butt-head

Uh, it was like, a long time ago, but I remember that the training sucked, and it was always hot, and you never knew when a bunch of guys would be all on your ass.

Old Beavis

Yeah, and there was one time when the shake machine-

Tom Anderson

Enough said, boys. Save the war stories for your fellow servicemen. Come on in, and enjoy the company.

Old Butt-head

Kick ass!

Old Beavis

Oooh yeah!

Tom Anderson

Say, have you all met Belvis and Bunhowzen here? They served in, uh... I guess it'd be the Desert Storm.

Old Beavis

Yeah, like I was saying, there's that one time when the shake machine-

Tom Anderson

Did Gilmore tell you the story about how he captured that there flag in Vietnam?

Old Butt-head

Uh, no.

Well, we see roofing it through that godforsaken jungle, when all of a sudden the commies opened fire.

Old Beavis

Fire! FIRE!!! Yeah, FIRE!

You're still feeling it, ain't ya?

Old Butt-head

Yeah. He feels it all the time.

I got a buddy who was in Desert Storm. What battalion were you in?

Old Butt-head

Uhhhhh...

Old Beavis

What?

I said, what battalion were you in?

Tom Anderson

What's your battalion number, boys?

Old Butt-head

Uh, 69. [he and Beavis chuckle]

Old Beavis

Yeah, that's it.

The Fighting 69th! You guys are they're real deal.

Must have seen a lot of action.

Old Butt-head

Yeah. We like action.

Tom Anderson

Well, when you're in the 69, you're gonna get plenty of action when it's going down.

They could lick anybody!

I heard in Iraq, the 69 saw action from both sides at once.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that's why they call it that! Yeah yeah, here, I'll draw you a picture. Butt-head explained it to me once. See, the bottom of the six is the butt, and then the nine is like, the nads or something. I don't know.

Tom Anderson

Now what in the hell are you two boys supposed to be?

Beavis

I'm a nad.

Butt-head

I'm a dumbass. Check it out. Uh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh. Uhuhuhuhuhuh.