Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 4
[while discussing about Jurassic Park] ..and then he attacked the dude in his own car.
The dinosaur had a car?
How else you think he's got there, dumbass? On a bike?
Shut up, Butt-head!
[Beavis and Butt-head began slapping each other]
[The crowd gasped as the wall was unveiled to be spraypainted with crude band names including "SLAYER", "OZZY", etc.]
It's a tribute to the people who died in the Vietnam War.
[outraged] My uncle was killed in the war!
Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!
Uh, That's not a real cow, dude. That's like a deer.
How did you know?
[After mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by 'those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff']
Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?
Heh, yeah! Pull that one.
[sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?
Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.
Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
Really? Like what?
Uh...it falls over?
Cool! We're there, dude!
[teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!
Two's my favorite, heh heh.
And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!
[Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]
Huh huh huh.
Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]
[Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]
Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.
What is that? Huh huh huh.
Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.
Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.
Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.
[We start to hear a dripping sound. Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]
Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.
[The dripping sound continues, and the doctor looks up from taking her notes, noticing with a shocked look on her face. She drops her notes]
Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!
I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]
Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to urinate, while the doctor continues trying to get them to stop, as she gets up on her desk, obviously because Beavis and Butt-head have been urinating enough to wet the floor of the room]
Huh huh. Urinating's cool.
Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.
Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.
[Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of their legs while urinating on a bush. A dog then comes over and urinates on the same bush.]
Woah, check it out.
Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.
Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
Heh, how do you do that?
[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]
[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]
Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
Yeah, heh, touch it.
Decent! Is it contagous?
No. I disinsfected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.
Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!
[to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
OOOOW!
Huh, that was cool.
Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
Heh, dog bite.
Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!
...uh....
HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!
Yessss!
Can I help you?
Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.
I see. What's your name?
Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.
Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.
So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
Uh huh huh. You're stupid.
Heh, yeah.
Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.
Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.
Woah. That's cool.
Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.
Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?
Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.
Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
I've got it, I've got rabies!
...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.
Does he have to get a shot?
No.
Cool.
You have to get 18 of them, Rod.
Yes!
In the stomach.
Cool!
....this sucks.
The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
Maybe he doesn't watch TV.
[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
