Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 9
[as Beavis and Butt-head look for clues in the restroom]
Butt-head, I think I found a clue! [beckons to some bathroom graffiti reading "Jason Eats Balls"] There's words!
Hmm. Words. Let's see. Ja-son... eats... balls... Jason eats balls. Hmm...
Huh. But what does it mean?
Who is Jason? Why does he eat balls? Whose balls does he eat?
The mummy's balls?
Perhaps.
[in the bathroom stall]
This mummy forgot to like leave clues or something.
Whoa, Butt-head look! I found a clue, look. A turd.
Hmmm. Now we're getting somewhere, Beavis. Finally. A real clue.
Yeah.
Now why would someone put a turd in a toilet? Hmm...
It just doesn't make sense. Wait a minute! Maybe someone took a du- [Butt-head smacks him] AHH!
Damn it, Beavis, shut up, I'm thinking.
Oh yeah yeah yeah... sorry.
Beavis, you mean well, but you're a dumbass. I have figured it out. That turd can mean only one thing. This mummy is disgusting.
[dramatic chord]
Um, Fire, do you engender when I put an M-80 in Mr. Anderson's mailbox and it started a big fire?
Yes, that was me.
Remember when I found my first lighter, and it was like, fire! Yeah.
I remember. I am Fire!
Have you ever been in a volcano?
I am in all the volcanoes!
And what about that forest fire?
That was a great day.
Yeah, Smokey the Bear sucks. Yeah.
It's not his fault. I killed his parents. He's just trying to mend the hole in his heart that I put there.
Yeah, you're cool.
Quite so. And you, Beavis, are my special one.
You know, um, maybe we should just like, get used to living in this box, you know? It's not that bad, really. It's kinda growing on me actually.
Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.
Maybe life is better in the box, you know? Maybe we'll meet some chicks in here or something.
There's no chicks in the box, dumbass!
Well not now, but you know, like maybe if we were more outgoing, you know?
Uh, what the hell is going on here?
What did they do to this place, Butt-head? What's going on?
Beavis and Butt-head! What a pleasant surprise to see you this here.
What happened to the parking lot? What did you do?
Well once a month, we have a farmers' market here, and it turns into a cornucopia of locally sourced farm-to-table cuisine.
Does "cornucopia" mean butthole?
It sure does, Beavis.
Uh, so like, honey for sale.
Fresh honey! It's really expensive.
That's right, it's like a thousand dollars.
Buy it right now, for money!
Beavis and Butt-head! [Noticing their multiple stings] Boys, are you feeling okay?
Buy our honey. Our bees made it, yeah. Check it out.
[hands Van Driessen a cup] That's right. It's expensive. Fresh from the bug's butt.
[samples the "honey"] This tastes like shampoo, m'kay?
What? Our bees made shampoo?
These dumb bugs made the wrong stuff!
Guys, these are not bees. They're wasps. Wasps don't make honey.
We know, dumbass. They made shampoo.
I'm gonna head to the barber to get my ears lowered, so I need you boys to sign for a couple two packages I got coming from the Amazon.
Package. [cackles]
They're a birthday present for Marcie, and my new hearing aid. That one's real important now, because I can't hear nothing without it.
Uhhh, did you hear me when I called you a butthole?
Well you're welcome. I knew I could count on you.
[after falling off the roof]
[dazed] Ow... it's okay, it's okay. I'm alright. I don't wanna be late for kindergarten. Circle time sucks. Whoa! That's a cool bowl. Never seen anything like that before. I'll be damned.
Get the ladder, Beavis!
Oh hey! Who are you?
I'm Butt-head, ass face!
Um... Which of those is your name, and which one is what you're calling me?
Just get the ladder, dumbass.
What's a ladder?
It's that thing over there that's a ladder.
Oh yeah yeah, thanks ass face.
Uh, hello sir. We wanna like, swim and show off our guns.
Yeah, let us in.
Sorry. You're banned.
Can I just come in and take a whiz real quick?
No.
Uh, Beavis? Did you like, drowned or something? Are you dead? Hello? Oh well. Now where did those chicks go?
[they start climbing a tree to chase a raccoon] No one takes my nachos and gets away with it.
Yup. Time to kick some ass.
You can run, but you can't hide, dumbass!
... This tree feels kind of funny on my schlong.
They call it wood for a reason, Beavis. [they reach the top with the raccoon] There's no escape now. Prepare to have your ass shoved up your- [the Raccoon easily hops down and away from them] Uh... oh. I see.
Um, Butt-head, the bears are going into our house.
Dammit, we gotta climb down there now.
Um, yeah maybe later. Remember that thing I said on the way up about the tree feeling funny on my schlong? Um, I might just wanna stay here a while, you know what I'm saying?
Beavis, you prevert, get out of the way now! Perv out with the tree on your own time, we gotta fight those bears! [begins kicking Beavis] Ah! Come on, Butt-head, come on! Just five more minutes, come on!
Damn you, Beavis!
I'm almost-
[Butt-head kicks again, but falls from the tree, landing hard on the ground]
[climbs down and kicks Butt-head] Damn it, Butt-head, you ruined it.
[as they exit a car wash]
Thanks for doing that with me, man. You're a great hang. I'll take you to the Maxi Mart now.
Yeah, that's good, because we've been driving around a long time, and-
I just gotta pop in here and get oak milk, and four or five more things. Marcy can't handle regular milk. Remind me to tell you about that later. Oh, and trash bags.
Giving me a ride was cool and everything, but, uh... but I'm just gonna walk for a while here. [Exits car]
[following Beavis] Good idea, man! I wanna walk too. Gotta get my steps in.
Oh boy...
Never gonna get to 10,000 without my buddy keeping me honest, yo.
I- I just need to go a different direction than you, because-
I just gotta go. Butt-head's waiting at the Maxi Mart, so...
... Okay. I'll see you later, boss. No problem.
Really?
Hey man, thanks for hanging out. Metallica's the best, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Metallica kicks ass!
[pulls out his guitar] Dude, you're gonna love this song I wrote. You just gotta listen to this one song, then you can go.
Um, I just- uh... oh God...
[as Butt-head slams Beavis' head into a wall]
Okay, this is our eighth session, to try to improve your behavior, and if anything, Butt-head's aggression is getting worse.
Uh, it's the same.
I'm going to say therapy isn't working is time to try medication.
Yeah. Give him some pills.
So like, do those pills like, make you feel different or something?
Uhh, no. But thank you for asking.
Oh uh, yeah, okay yeah. God bless you, or... I don't know. This show sucks.
I guess it does, but other people probably enjoy it. Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, uh... okay. I guess that's true. But it does kinda suck, Butt-head.
[handing Beavis the remote] We can watch what you want, Beavis. Anything you wanna do is fine.
[changes the channel] This is pretty cool. Yeah. This is better.
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Beavis. I like when you enjoy yourself.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
