Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 9
Um, Butt-head? You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like.
You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like!
Did we just like, switch bodies?
Whoa! Maybe we did. Uh, okay let me try something. Do you think nachos taste good?
Yes! Yes I do.
Whoa! That's my thing!
Okay, let me think of one. Um, do you wanna score all the time?
I sure do.
Whoa!
Do you like cool things and you hate stuff that sucks?
Whoa! Amazing!
It has happened. I'm Beavis, and you're Butt-head! I'm a dumbass!
[Glennis tosses a note to Beavis]
Whoa, it's a note!
Let me see that, Beavis. Let's see her, hmm... [takes the note, which reads "I ❤️ U"]
Yeah, what's it say?
Uh, it says I, and then she drew like, a butt, uh, and I think this is like, the bottom of a foot. Boy, she doesn't draw very good. So it says, "I kick you in the ass." She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis.
Wait a minute, she's gonna kick my ass? Really?
She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.
Do you think she can kick my ass?
She sure can, Beavis. She's a weirdo, just like you. She's got weirdo strength.
It's amazing no one else has thought of this.
Most people are stupid, Beavis. It's a fact.
[grabbing a nacho chip which appears to have the face of Jesus] Whoa! Butt-head! Butt-head! Hey, check it out!
What?
In my chip, look! It's that guy!
What guy?
That guy, you know, the guy who's Jesus or... or like, Christ or something.
You dumbass, that's not Jesus. That's like, that hippie from the Beatles or something.
Shut up, Butt-head! It is a sign. A sign that Jesus has appeared in these nachos to help me score. Yeah.
Butt-head, check it out! It's another sign, see? Maybe to score, we have to go into that church and like, um, like sing Christmas songs or something.
Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna score if you keep acting weird.
No way, Butt-head, shut up! I'm tired of listening to you! From now on, I'm listening to Him.
Who?
The Lord. [points to a statue]
That's not the Lord, dumbass. That's that chick who never scored.
No way, that's him.
Quit being all weird. I'm gonna eat your magic chip, so you'll shut up.
So um, Father? I was at one of your other branches and um, couldn't really understand what the guy was saying. And um, I just have some questions about Jesus.
Jews actually don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Our religion teaches that the Messiah has not yet come.
Yeah, oh yeah. I see. So um, so what does Jesus want me to do? Like, how do I get him to use his magic powers?
Again, as a Jew, Jesus is not part of my faith.
Oh. Oh yeah yeah. Hey, wow, um... so how tall was Jesus, you think?
That's a good question. But I think it's probably better posed to someone of the Christian faith. But I'd love to answer any questions you have about Judaism.
Oh, okay, yeah yeah, I understand. So is it weird for Jesus that he has the same name as the Christmas baby?
That's not really a question about Judaism.
Oh right right. So, Your Honor, um, it's cool if you say no, and don't get mad, but is it okay if I ask you a question that's not about Jesus?
Yes.
Oh, okay. Yeah, it would have been nice to know that before, you know. But anyway, is there a guy inside Iron Man?
[takes a deep breath] Okay, Stark Industries was founded in 1939 by Howard Stark, Tony Stark's father...
Uh-huh.
...and it quickly grows to be the biggest high-tech arms manufacturer on the planet.
Huh?
When Tony Stark takes over as CEO, he gets kidnapped in Afghanistan. Let me show you where that is on the map.
Oh boy...
So, Tony's gonna have to invent an arc reactor...
This sucks.
Welcome to our abstinence circle. Audrey, can you introduce us to your new friends?
Pastor Travis, Bobby and Broderick are excited to hear about sexual abstinence.
Excited to hear it, excited to do it.
Yeah, yeah! Sexual abbisonce! Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing!
Yeah, yeah, cool. See, the culture and the media can give you a lot of BS about sex, right? But in here, we keep it real.
Yeah! Yeah! Exactly! I want it real! Right now!
Yeah.
Right on, right on. Well, why don't we hear it from your peers? Who's ready to do a share?
I'll go. I was a little scared of abstinence at first. I wasn't sure I could do it.
We're here to support you.
Aw, thanks. But now, I feel filled up with joy.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, filled!
Yeah. Joy.
Yeah. Thanks to abstinence, now I can really get to know people deep down.
Yeah, deep down, yeah!
And the best part is, you're not alone. We're doing it with you.
That's the point, dumbass.
Yeah, we'll have three regular hamburgers...
Uh-huh.
No ketchup on one of them...
Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, ketchup sucks.
And we'll take... two orders of fries...
Would you like to try our new Macho Hot Fries for a dollar more?
Sounds good. You got all that?
No.
What do you mean, "No?"
I refuse. Yeah. I'm not gonna make it, 'cause you're like violating our policies.
How exactly am I violating your policies?
Um, what's the policy again?
Would you just give us our food?!
I think it's like, you're being a butthole or something. And like, you suck. Thank you, drive through.
What's this about you refusing to serve people?
Nothing could be further from the truth, ma'am. I'll have Beavis bring you everything from our entire menu.
I am servicing the right to reserve you.
Uh, and allow me to provide you a little entertainment. Check this out. [pointing to a couple other people in line] Uh, you, and uh, you over there. We reserve the right to refuse you service, unless you fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fight! Winner gets to eat, yeah.
And the loser shall be refused. That is our right, and we reserve it.
This is bullshit. I'm not gonna hurt this guy for a lousy cheeseburger.
Yeah, except, you know, you wouldn't hurt me.
Ooooh!
Oooh! He just said he can kick your ass!
You'll be on the floor in about five seconds!
You wanna go?! YOU WANNA GO?!
Yeah, fight! Fight!
[the two customers begin to fight each other]
Kick his ass.
Worldstar!
[as Beavis exits a fitting room with yoga pants]
There we go, how do I look?
Uh, Beavis?
Pretty sexy. Yeah.
Uh, Beavis?
Yeah, I'd tap that. Yeah, oooh...
Uh, Beavis? It looks like you don't have any nads.
What? What are you talking about?
Or a schlong.
No way, Butt-head, my schlong is right- [notices that the incredibly tight yoga pants are concealing his genitals] AHHHHH!!! No, what happened to my nads?! I know they're in here, 'cause these pants are really making them hurt! [desperately trying to take the pants off]
Uh, you better take 'em off before any chicks see you, Beavis. That's embarrassing.
They won't come off, Butt-head! [collapses] My weiner's going numb! Ahhhh!
Just get a hold of yourself, Beavis. ... hold of yourself.
And then he told me that when you're on a camping trip, if someone's asleep and you put their hand in a bowl of warm water, they like, pee in their sleep.
Uh, really?
Yeah yeah yeah, like, right in their pants. It really works. They pee their pants, yeah.
[both chuckle until Butt-head gets an idea]
Are you feeling sleepy, Beavis?
Um, yeah yeah, a little.
Uh, wait here. [leaves, and is heard filling a bowl with water, which he returns with] Let me help you get comfortable, Beavis.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
You can use this bag of potato chips as a pillow.
Oh, thank you. It's pretty cozy, yeah. [eats a chip] There's still some stuff in there, too. Yeah. Wow, good stuff.
[helping Beavis get comfortable] There we go, Beavis. You just relax.
You know, I think I will. Yeah. [lays down]
Nice deep breaths, Beavis.
Ahhh, I might just rest my eyes for a little bit, if that's okay.
You go right ahead, Beavis. Relax, deeper and deeper, way down. Count backwards from... uhhh, never mind that, Beavis. Just relax.
Okay... what a day. What a day... [relaxed sigh]
[Butt-head grabs the bowl, and Beavis's hand, and begins to drag it to the bowl]
[waking up and jerking his hand away] Hey! Are you trying to make me pee my pants?!
...perhaps.
Um, wait here. [leaves and fills a bowl, returning with it]
... Well played, Beavis.
We'll see who falls asleep first, Butt-head.
Yes we will, Beavis. Yes we will. We are playing the most dangerous game, and the loser pees their pants.
Today, we're talking about fossils, mmmkay? And a fossil, class, is really just another name for an ancient bone. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker uncontrollably] But what you may not know is that these boney messengers from the past can be found in our own backyard. Recently, not far from here, a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton was found by amateur bone hunters.
Beavis' mom is an amateur bone hunter.
Shut up, Butt-head! That's not funny.
Did you make this?
Uh, yeah. This is Bonersaurus. Would you like to see it for two dollars?
[pays $2] Yes, we'd love to see it. Here you go.
Welcome to our museum. Hundreds of years ago, Bonersaurus walked the land, killing everything in sight, and scoring with chick dinosaurs.
Yeah, its name was Bonersaurus, which means "saurus that has a boner."
And this ends our tour. Please exit through the gift shop.
And buy some stuff.
[after Beavis and Butt-head destroy Bonersaurus]
I guess the museum's closed, Butt-head.
The age of the mighty Bonersaurus is over. Perhaps in a hundred years, people will find these bones and say, "Once long ago, there was a dinosaur that had a boner or something." I don't know. This is stupid. Why did we even do this?
Makes you think. It really makes you think.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
