Stewart Stevenson quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

  My parents aren't home.  They told me not to let you guys in the house even if they are here.

[not realizing they have left] We could go to my house. I have this awesome new video game.

I, sometimes I wet the bed. Isn't it, like, normal? What happened if I get married?

Beavis

Is this, is this, uh..... Hey Stewart!

(embarrassed) Oh no.

Beavis

Stewart, what a weiner! Heh heh heh!

Beavis

(sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na!

(humiliated) Oh God!

Hey guys, what are you doing?

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. Stewart can like, kill some time.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. Say something, Stewart.

Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-

Butt-head

[interrupting] This sucks.

Beavis

Yeah.

Socko's great.

Butt-head

Uh,huh,huh,huh... Socko has a hand up his butt.

Beavis

Heh,heh,heh,heh, yeah,heh,heh,heh.

Beavis

  How's it going?

  Beavis? Butt-Head? What happened?! Where's the couch?! Where's the t. v.?!

Butt-Head

  Uhh, the movers took it dude.

  OHHHH!! Movers?! You idiots! We've been robbed!

Butt-Head

  Robbed? We were here all day. We didn't see any robbers.

  You guys are in big trouble.

Butt-head

  Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.

Beavis

Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?

Principal McVicker

Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!

Butt-Head

I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.

What?

Beavis

He's pretty good.

But... but... but I...

Principal McVicker

Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.

Buzzcut

Shut the hell up!

Hey guys, what's up?

Butt-head

Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?

Beavis

SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.

No, what?

Butt-head

Beavis was crying.

Beavis

SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING! I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.

Butt-head

Uh... attention everyone. [everyone looks at him] Beavis was crying.

Beavis

DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING!

Beavis

[after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-Head!

Butt-Head

[referring to the screw] It's in his butt.

Beavis

It hurts!

Butt-Head

Uh, I wouldn't know.

Beavis

Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!

Oh my God! He's bleeding!

Butt-Head

Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-Head, do something! [Butt-Head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]

Butt-Head

Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. How hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-Head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]

Beavis

Cut it out, bunghole!!

[panicking] OH MY GOD!

Butt-Head

Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.

Oh my God! Butt-Head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!

Butt-Head

Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.

Beavis

Oh yeah! Ow!

We found a match! There's only one in the entire state, and by God, we found him!

Is he willing to donate?

He drove himself two hours to get here, and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can. In fact, he says he knows the both of you.

Hey guys! It's me, Stewart! Remember me?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, no.

Stewart, your best buddy from high school!

Old Butt-head

Oh yeah. That sucks.

Ha, you guys. The three amigos are back.

Old Beavis

Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now. I'm waiting for some guy both of us know to give me a kidney.

N-no, this is your donor.

Old Butt-head

A part of Stewart's going inside you.

Old Beavis

Oh no...

Old Beavis

There's Stewart's house. Goddamn dirty butthole. Stewart, son of a bitch... he stole my bike.

Old Butt-head

That's right, he sure did. When he opens this door, you should kick his ass.

Beavis and Butt-head? You finally came over to visit!

Old Beavis

Damn you, Stewart! I'm gonna kick your ass, because you stole-

Do you wanna come in for a beer?

Old Beavis

A beer? Yeah okay, yeah yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, sure. Beer would hit the spot.

This is what it's all about, right? Beers with your best friends from high school. I mean, I'm not a big drinker, but Caitlyn made some of her famous cucumber-water-

Old Beavis

Is there anymore beers?

No, uh, sorry guys, I think that's it-

Old Beavis

That's enough, Stewart! There's a time in a man's life when he's not gonna take it anymore! So today, I am gonna kick your fatass-

This is just like old times. Let's get some pizza!

Old Beavis

Yeah, yea, pizza sounds cool, yeah. Okay, yeah. Buy us some pizza.

Man we had some good times. Hey, remember when you locked me in the closet and forgot I was in there? You guys. Always giving me the business-

Old Beavis

Shut up, butthole! It's finally time to kick your ass!

[the door opens] Oh! Caitlyn's home from the pool.

Old Beavis

Okay, yeah, let's check out what your wife looks like in a bathing suit. That'll be cool, yeah.

Old Butt-head

Ooh! Good idea.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, let's get out of here...

Hey, no cutters buddy.

Butt-head

Shut up, Stewart! Come on, Beavis, let's go.

Beavis

Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?

Butt-head

It's me, you bunghole!

Beavis

Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?

Butt-head

You're a bunghole, bunghole!

Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.

Beavis

Yeah, Cro magnon.

Butt-head

I can too, bunghole. Come on Beavis, let's go...

Beavis

Hey, let go, pervert! We still have to give out Gingerbread Men.

Butt-head

Cut the crap, Beavis; you still owe me a dollar!

Beavis

Help! Help! Who are you!?!