David Van Driessen quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Van Driessen

Hey, why's everybody honking?

Beavis

[acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Hi, Master Beavis.

Beavis

I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?

Butt-head

Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!

Butt-head

Manners suck.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.

Butt-head

Yeah, he sure does like to touch.

Beavis

He tried to touch my weiner!

WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]

Beavis

BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!

[David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!

David Van Driessen

Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?

Beavis

Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.

What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]

David Van Driessen

You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]

I'll get you, you little punks!!!

Butt-head

Uh, no thank you, sir.

Beavis

Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.

David Van Driessen

Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!

You're dead, hippie.

David Van Driessen

You're going to jail, jackass!

You're going down, Woodstock!

David Van Driessen

[throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!

You're hurting me! Security!!

Van Driessen

  I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.

Beavis

  No way!  Chicks can't get stiffies!

Like, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?

Van Driessen

Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about 99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall. Or we could try some other arrangement.

  Like, "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"?

Van Driessen

  Good, Dean.  But beer and driving don't mix.  How about "99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall"?  Or we could try some other arrangement.  [cars behind the bus are honking their horns]  What's going on? Why's everybody honking?

Beavis

  [whilst mooning at other cars]  Peek-a-boo!

Van Driessen

Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?

No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit.

Van Driessen

Right, well killing them with kindness.

Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.

Van Driessen

Yes, which are fired only in self defense.

Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise.

Van Driessen

Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

Van Driessen

Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?

Butt-head

We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?

Van Driessen

Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah.

Van Driessen

This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.

So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?

Van Driessen

No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.

Butt-head

We're eating in front of you.

Beavis

Yeah, you can't have any.

Van Driessen

Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. [Martin reaches for a burger] No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.

Butt-head

Yeah, make a movie about us.

Van Driessen

The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?

Beavis

Yeah. Cool.

Butt-head

We didn't bring enough for everybody.

Van Driessen

Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this oil spill is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class] Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks.

Butt-head

Uh, chicks?

Beavis

I'm listening.

Van Driessen

Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just filthy.

Butt-head

Whoa! Filthy chicks!

Beavis

Yeah! Filthy chicks!

Van Driessen

Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. Count me in.

Beavis

Yeah, this weekend's good for me.

Van Driessen

Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.

Butt-head

Filthy chicks!

Van Driessen

The Pythagorean Theorem can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.

Butt-head

Uhh...

Van Driessen

Yes, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.

Beavis

Yeah yeah.

Van Driessen

Uh, why not?

Butt-head

'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!

Beavis

Yeah yeah! That's right!

Van Driessen

This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?

Butt-head

Tell that to the Lord.

Beavis

But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! [they get up to leave]

Butt-head

You're going to hell.

Welcome to Prairie Falls. You lucky students have traveled back in time to a typical 19th century homesteading community. Come and meet my fellow townsfolk. [lets Beavis and Butt-head enter]

Butt-head

Uh, did that guy say something about like, traveling back in time? [they approach Van Driessen in 19th century attire]

Van Driessen

Howdy, fair strangers. I am Tobias Van Driessen, a humble but hard working cobbler, who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.

Butt-head

Uh, how come Van Driessen's talking like a foreigner?

Beavis

I don't know. Maybe we're in Mexico or something. Let's go find a TV.

Van Driessen

TV? I know not what you talk of, for the year is 1832. Now come and watch us thresh wheat.

Butt-head

Uh, 1832? That's like, not now.

Beavis

Aren't we more than that?

Butt-head

Whoa! Hey Beavis, check it out! Look at all these people! Maybe that dork was right. Maybe we did travel back in time.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. How did that happen?

Butt-head

Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space cundominium?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, like in that movie, Back to the Future.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. Maybe we can score with your mom.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, since we traveled back in time a thousand years, does that mean that old dude is like, Van Driessen's dad or something?

Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah. He's old. [they approach a woman working a butter churn] Whoa! Come to Butt-head.

Beavis

Yeah, me too!

Megan

I do declare, working this pole is hard.

Beavis

Oh yeah!

Van Driessen

[whispering to the woman] You look familiar, were you at the Renaissance fair this summer?

Megan

Yes! I'm Lady Wentworth.

Van Driessen

Ah, I knew it! I'm Squire Robin! [to the class] Um, class? Why don't you run along and enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes! [returns his attention to Megan]

Butt-head

This sucks. How come a wuss like that can score and we can't?

Beavis

Um, how do you know he's gonna score?

Butt-head

Because Van Driessen was born, dumbass. Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do! If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van Driessen will never be born. We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! This is gonna be cool! I mean, or it was cool. I mean, in the past, I mean like after we do it, it's gonna be cool to think back upon.

Principal McVicker

You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!

Butt-head

Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?

Beavis

Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!

Butt-head

No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

Principal McVicker

SHUT UP! How dare you!

Van Driessen

Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?

Principal McVicker

It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!

Van Driessen

Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.

Butt-head

Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.

Beavis

Yeah.

Principal McVicker

You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!

Butt-head

Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.

Butt-head

Uh, what the hell is going on here?

Beavis

What did they do to this place, Butt-head? What's going on?

Van Driessen

Beavis and Butt-head! What a pleasant surprise to see you this here.

Beavis

What happened to the parking lot? What did you do?

Van Driessen

Well once a month, we have a farmers' market here, and it turns into a cornucopia of locally sourced farm-to-table cuisine.

Beavis

Does "cornucopia" mean butthole?

Butt-head

It sure does, Beavis.

Butt-head

Uh, so like, honey for sale.

Beavis

Fresh honey! It's really expensive.

Butt-head

That's right, it's like a thousand dollars.

Beavis

Buy it right now, for money!

Van Driessen

Beavis and Butt-head! [Noticing their multiple stings] Boys, are you feeling okay?

Beavis

Buy our honey. Our bees made it, yeah. Check it out.

Butt-head

[hands Van Driessen a cup] That's right. It's expensive. Fresh from the bug's butt.

Van Driessen

[samples the "honey"] This tastes like shampoo, m'kay?

Beavis

What? Our bees made shampoo?

Butt-head

These dumb bugs made the wrong stuff!

Van Driessen

Guys, these are not bees. They're wasps. Wasps don't make honey.

Butt-head

We know, dumbass. They made shampoo.

Van Driessen

Okay, everyone please focus, m'kay? Class is almost over and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.

Beavis

[chuckling hard, but notices Butt-head isn't laughing] Uh, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Hmm?

Beavis

Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in-"

Butt-head

Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah exactly-

Butt-head

Let's try to give him our attention.

Beavis

Yeah, but...

Butt-head

[writing notes] Ah, I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, what's going on?

Butt-head

Nothing, Beavis. This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.