Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 11
[after Beavis knocks a caramel apple from Butt-head's mouth with a bat]
Uh, what are those things that look just like your braces?
Wait a second... [goes to a car window, and sees his reflection, and that his braces have come off] ... I'm beautiful...
Yeah, you really do look different without your braces, Butt-head.
That's because I'm hot now, Beavis.
Oh yeah.
I mean, I was hot before, now I'm like, even hotter.
Whoa! So um, so what's it like?
You know how it's like, cool when you see a chick's butt?
Um, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm like that now, Beavis. I'm like a chick's butt, but to chicks.
Well, they managed to get most of your teeth back in, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, and now I have to wear these braces until I'm like, 25.
Yup, and you still never scored.
That nurse said I'm still beautiful on the inside.
Yeah, that means you're ugly, I think.
I know, Beavis. Shut up.
[after Butt-head suffers a heart attack and falls down the stairs]
What's wrong?
[breathing heavily and straining] Pain... in my chest... I can't breathe...
Yeah, that's cool, yeah.
My left arm is numb...
Oh, you know what you should do? You should spank your monkey. It'll feel like someone else is doing it.
Oh yeah, good idea... [tries to move] Ugh... I can't...
Well that sucks. It wasn't cool.
[as one of their neighbors sees Butt-head laying at the bottom of the stairs]
Oh my God! Sir, are you okay?!
Ugh...ohhh...
Is there anything I can do?
[panting] Y-yes... there is... one thing... you can do...
What?! What is it?!
... m-me...
Creep! [slaps him]
[as Beavis reads a children's book titled Good Morning Caterpillar]
I don't get this book. What happened to the caterpillar? ... Who's this moth? See, this is why I never read.
So do you remember that time when you threw us in your trunk by the railroad track?
No.
Uhh, do you remember when you threw us in your trunk at the pool?
No.
What about the time when you threw us in your trunk by the creek? Remember that one?
... huh. I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers who were always in my face.
Yes! Yes! He remembers us!
Those were the happiest times of our lives.
We wanna be plumbers!
Yes! Teach us, Todd. Teach us the way of the pipe.
You know, maybe I do owe you for all the crap I did back in the day. They call it bullying now, I guess.
Yeah, bullying is cool.
Bad news, pussies. Since you guys went in the shit pipe, there's been a downturn in the plumbing business. You're fired.
Well, at least we helped you out, you know?
Uh, you didn't. I just made you touch a lot of shit.
Cool, um, so you're gonna pay us, right?
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, Beavis. He's not gonna do that, dumbass.
[Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom]
Hey Butt-head! BUTT-HEAD, BUTT-HEAD!
What? WHAT?!
Come here, quick! [to himself] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
Uh! [he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch] What?
Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
No, but check it out, this is cool!
It is?
Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
Damn it, Beavis.
This is so cool! Yes, yes!
You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
What's wrong with you, Beavis?
Ummm, I don't know!
Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
Shut up, Beavis!
Infectious Grooves, Violent and Funky
Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play...um, chest.
Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs.
...but a .357 gonna blow your damn head off!
Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
Uh...that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something.
If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [Clown-like voice] "Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!"
Yeah, and then I'd say, "Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time."
Yeah. That would be cool.
Chris Isaak, Somebody's Crying
Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
Really? You mean, like, all the girls are SLUTS?
Yep.
Whoa, that is cool! Yeah, yeah, let's go!
You know, another thing about California, is that all the dudes there looks like Kato Kaelin.
He seems like a great guy, you know?
Yeah. That's how come, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, like OJ Simpson. He goes "You know, you're a great guy. Why don't you come on over and stay a while?"
I'd let him crash here because, like, he's such a great guy.
Yeah. What a great guy.
Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
Yeah, he does, sort of. But that's okay. Because he's cool.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
