Cheryl Tunt quotes from Archer

Pam

Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.

Cheryl

Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.

Pam

You hate everybody at work.

Cheryl

I know. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.

Archer

Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

Cheryl

Once would be nice!

Archer

Hmm... No.

Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool man! That is not at all cool!

Cheryl

Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax! [To Archer] You got another one in ya?

Archer

I don't.

Cheryl

[seductively] Tease.

Archer

And I'm sorry for that one.

Cheryl

Don't be.

Archer

Because, I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.

Cheryl

Mmmm... Well, but also emotional violence...

Lana

Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?

Pam

Um, because we don't give a shit?

Lana

About the Earth?!

Cheryl

Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...

Lana

[shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]

Pam

Daaaaaamn!

Cheryl

What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?

Pam

Aww man, did I miss it?!

Cheryl

Oh my god, the toilet!?

Pam

No, Jesus! ...Although it is clogged.

Cheryl

Ms. Archer, Lana for you, line one.

Malory

I'm not here.

Cheryl

[scared] Then how...

Malory

...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray

Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?

Malory

What was that?

Ray

Nothing!

Malory

Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.

Cheryl

Awwwww.

Cheryl

[whispering from offscreen] Psst.. Pam!

Pam

Oh, Already?! [to the "shrimp" she's holding] Look, auditory hallucinations aren't gonna make you any less delicious!

Pam

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Archer

Who?

Cheryl

The storm ninjas!

Archer

What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.

Ray

I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.

Cheryl

Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.

Cyril

Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.

Krieger

Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.

Cyril

Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl

Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray

Irish mob.

Cheryl

Piracy.

Cyril

White slavery.

Pam

No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Krieger

Defiling a corpse.

Cyril

Defiling a different corpse.

Pam

Kidnapping the Pope...

Cheryl

[laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...

Pam

Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...

Cyril

Destroy an oil pipeline in...

Cheryl

I wanna say Burt Reynolds!

Cyril

Turkmenistan?

Cheryl

$1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!

Archer

Been waiting forever to use that.

Cheryl

Well, I'm not a freaking mind-reader! [gasps] What if I am?

Archer

Then, I'd guess you'd know what we're all thinking right now.

Cheryl

Okay...[to Archer] You wanna drink, [to Lana] you wanna lecture us, [to Pam] you want more bear claws, [to Ray] you wanna smoke, [to Cyril] you wanna masturbate, [to Krieger] and you're scared that we'll figure out that you're actually just a Krieger clone.

Archer

Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.

Cheryl

Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.

Archer

No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.

Cheryl

I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.