Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

[to Pam] I'll throw these doughnuts on the ground so you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry hungry... [Pam abruptly shuts the door on Archer] ...hungry hippo.

Archer

Well, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I need to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined I'll make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol!

Archer

Wow, that was actually pretty easy! Thanks, new turtleneck! [rips his turtleneck] Aw, f-- And thank you, duffle bag!

Archer

Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.

Archer

Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".

Archer

No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.

Archer

Johnny Bench called.

Malory

[noticing doughnuts scattered across the floor] Oh, for heaven's sake... do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!

Archer

Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.

Malory

Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

Archer

Lana, call Kenny Loggins... 'cuz you're in the Danger Zone.

Malory

And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.

Archer

All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

Archer

[Wearing only a towel and baseball catcher's mask] WOODHOUSE! Do we have any lube? Like at this point even some olive oil would [finds his mother in the living room] help me get that drawer unstuck.

Archer

Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous and I'm going to win and GAY SEX!

Archer

[Stifling laughter] Woodhouse: he's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone. PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!

Archer

Cyril, c'mon. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse up into fish food.

Archer

There's your bomber: Beardsley McTurbanhead.