Ray Gillette quotes from Archer

Ray

Yeah, it is the first thing they'd do. It's like, counter-intelligence 101.

Ray

How 'bout a disgraced former minister. Long story, kinda boring, but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages, the irony of which is not lost on me.

And don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.

Gillette

[To Pam and Cheryl] She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.

Cyril

Why are you even here?

Ray

Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]

Cyril

But you're gay!

Ray

Girl, please, nobody's that gay.

Archer

[looking into Malory's desk, seeing it's rigged] Oh, come on! What could be so secret, she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4? Ugh, I don't...think I even want to know. [calls Ray on his cell]

Ray

[annoyed] What?

Archer

Heh, nice. Here, take a look at this. [takes a picture of the C-4 wires] All right, which of these wires—

Ray

Blue and yellow.

Archer

The blue...you want to look at it for more than half a second?

Ray

I wired the damn thing, ass!

Archer

Well, I didn't know that, ass! [cuts the wires then opens the top drawer, pulling a memory stick out] Okay...

Ray

Oh my God.

Archer

What?

Ray

I lied. I didn't wire it.

Archer

What?!

Ray

Ba-dum-bump-ding!

Archer

You think that's funny?! [punches the drawer shut; it promptly starts vibrating] Wha—

Ray

Not compared to that.

Archer

What is that?

Ray

Oh, yeah.

Archer

No.

Ray

Yeaaaah.

Archer

No!

Ray

Not a bumblebee, is it?

Lana

So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.

Cheryl

Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?

Lana

Couple things...

Cheryl

Bring it!

Ray

Yeah, we are code blue here.

Pam

Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.

Ray

No, I meant, like, for her face...

Cheryl

[To Lana] Choke me!

Pam

No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.

Ray

Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?

Pam

Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.

Lana

[letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.

Cheryl

Ohhhhh, I think I just did.

Ray

Give me that! Little miss invasion of the privacy snatchers!

Pam

Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?

Ray Gillette

No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.

Pam

So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?

Cheryl

Dick Sledge.

Ray

You wanna...

Pam

No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?

Cheryl

Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...

Pam

Sploosh!

Ray

Jinx.

Cheryl

...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...

Pam

You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...

Cheryl

Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.

Pam

Why'd you have a knife?!

Cheryl

I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!

Pam

Holy shitsnacks.

Cheryl

Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.

Ray

[loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out--no snooping.

Pam

[wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...

Cheryl

Tons of cock porn lying around?

Pam

I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.

Ray

How do you forget?

Pam

You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Ray

Why would you think it's okay to share that?

Rona

[with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!

Lana

Well unless there's a sniper in it...

Rona

Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!

Ray

We are! We're complying!

You! Get your fricking hands up!

Cheryl

You're not my supervisor!

Pam

Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.

Cheryl

No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.

Ray

I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl

Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Archer

Wait, seriously don't open it?

Ray

[via Com link] Yes!

Archer

Oh. I thought you were being sarcastic.

Archer

It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.

[Laughing]' Seriously, breast cancer?

Archer

Yes.

Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Archer

[Laughing weakly] Excuse me.

Archer

[Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually... Brett!

Cyril

Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Ray

Nah, he's beatin' his ass.

Cyril

I spent last night in the tombs, getting worked over by the cops!

Ray

Fun! ... Oh, you mean literally.

Archer

How long do I need to keep them on?

Ray

Two minutes.

Lana

What?!

Archer

What happened to thirty seconds?!

Ray

Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!

Lana

Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.

Malory

Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?

Archer

Yes!

Ray

Why?!

Archer

Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!

Ray

Is it working?

Archer

Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!

Ray

I am gay.

Archer

Well, I'm not!

Ray

Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?