Cyril Figgis quotes from Archer

Archer

What are you doing?

Cyril

Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.

Archer

Neat. Listen...

Cyril

[very excitedly] Guess what we call it!

Archer

"Stir Friday?"

[long pause] Wow. That's actually better.

Archer

It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.

Archer

And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"

Cyril

Yeah, that is much better.

Archer

I know.

Cyril

Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.

Archer

Apology accepted. Ass douche.

Cyril

Hey!

Archer

What?

Lana

[Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.

Archer

Make me!

Lana

What?

Archer

What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.

Archer

So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...

Cyril

But your mother is, so...

Archer

But I wonder what Lana thinks about...

Cyril

Lana's not "need to know" this.

Archer

Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?

Cyril

Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer

Uh hello! Herpes?!

Cyril

YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

Cyril

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl

It's Carol.

Archer

Wha-- Since when?

Cheryl

Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

Archer

Well that's just... Excuse us.

Cyril

What is this herpes business?

Archer

Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Archer

This is what a real field agent uses.

Cyril

The point is a lot finer than I prefer.

Archer

That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso... caine. [puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket] Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.

Archer

Oh my God, you killed a hooker!

Cyril

Call girl! She was a call girl!

Archer

No, Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

Cyril

Will I get to learn karate?

Archer

Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Cyril

When would you use an underwear gun?

Archer

Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?

Cyril

I don't know.

Archer

Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?

Cyril

Ah. How should I know?

Archer

Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?

Cyril

Ohh. Because they're assassins too?

Archer

Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.

Cyril

Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.

Archer

Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... no one's gonna bug you for a tip.

Archer

I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...

Cyril

Who? James Bond?

Archer

Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.

Cyril

So do something!

Archer

I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.

Cyril

I could drive better than that.

Archer

So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.

Cyril

Oh no you are not. you are totally not...

Archer

I totally am not.

Cyril

How did you know where I was?

Lana

When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.

Cyril

In my body?

Lana

Baby? Hon?

Cyril

No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.

Lana

Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?

Cyril

I do not.

Lana

You do not.

Cyril

Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Lana

Ha! Please...

Archer

What? You're black... ish...

Lana

"ISH?"

Archer

Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"

Lana

Imagine that!

Archer

You imagine it!

Malory

Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Cyril

Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.

Conway

Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.

Malory

[to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.

Lana

Could we get off my fingers?

Cyril

Yeah, they are pretty big.

Lana

First time I've heard you complain.

Dr. Krieger

[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.

Cyril

Or with her.

Lana

[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.

Cyril

She probably uses the metric system.

Pam

Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?

Dr. Krieger

No. In this case, it would be pascals.

Cheryl

Hey, Europe: be gayer.

Malory

Lana, release him!

Lana

As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cyril

I find your mannish hands disturbing.

Pam

I think they're kinda sexy.

Lana

Excuse me?

Cheryl

They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.

Cyril

[carrying Torvald's body] I should be carrying her.

Archer

[carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.

Malory

All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

Cyril

Wait, what?!

Malory

Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.

Cyril

But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.

Malory

Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!

Cyril

Oh, Jesus.

Cheryl

Ew.

Malory

You're next.

Archer

God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.

Cyril

Shut up.

Malory

Come on! Everybody shoots!

Pam

Hey, I wanna go!

Malory

Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...

Archer

No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.

Malory

Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...

Archer

Wha... oh.

Malory

Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!

Archer

But this gun--it was a gift.

Malory

Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!

Archer

You don't know.

Malory

Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.

Cyril

Oh, hot potato!

Archer

We still didn't get the UN contract.

Malory

Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!

Woodhouse

That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.

Pam

Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?

Malory

It would be weirder if you weren't.