“The Honeymooners” · Season 4, Episode 9
In this episode: Malory Archer (9), Lana Kane (8), Pam Poovey (2), Cyril Figgis (2), Cheryl Tunt (1), Dr. Krieger (1)
What do you think you're doing?
My job, Lana.
And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?!
The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—
Yeah, posing!
And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.
You're drunk on champagne.
Eh, little column A, little column B.
...then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a... what'd you call it?
Power black out. And, you're welcome.
Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!
Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.
God, were you raised in a barn?
No. I just slept out there a lot.
[Running a Geiger counter back and forth over a glowing green pig, causing it to consistently go off the scale] Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing... [Runs the Geiger counter over his own crotch, causing it to go off the scale as well] And probably a few other things...
Go online and check your bank account.
Now? When I'm suction-cupped on a window thirty stories above the ground?
Yeah! You should have five bars.
Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But— [hangs up]
Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?
No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone!
Okay. Jesus! Keep your voice... [checking phone] Whoa!
Sucks, right? That's not even... remotely fair! What the shit?!
Apparently, we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your— [drops phone] mother—!
[Having Lana and Archer hostage] Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.
Archer!
What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not Democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!
Oh my God. Okay... You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?
I'm not going home... I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass!
Wha— no! We're doing surveillance!
Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass!
Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're soooo shitty at it.
Suppressing fiiiireeeee-extinquisherrrrr!
Is that...
Cyril?!
Lana!
I'm coming, Cyril!
Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.
SMOKE FIGHT! WOOOO!
[cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!
Wait, why Cyril—
[Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!
Aww man, did I miss it?!
Oh my god, the toilet!?
No, Jesus! ...Although it is clogged.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
