Mallory quotes from Archer

Oh, all Hispanics look roguish.

[seriously drunk without eating all day] If I don't get something to eat, I'm literally going to die.

ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!

Archer

That's not... a real place.

I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!

Archer

Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.

Have I made myself clear?!

Archer

You're looking for the answer "yes"?

Yes.

Archer

Then yes.

Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.

Lana

[Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!

[holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?

Archer

[shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand--

[Hits Archer with her handbag] AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!

Archer

Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...

Lana

OK, fine, I can't prove anything right now.

That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?

Lana

What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?

You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?

Lana

I had not.

Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.

Lana

While I'm on what?!

What are you, deaf and racist?

Lana

I'm black!

Oh, put it back in the deck.

Conway

It's a silent submarine propulsion system called the "Whisper Drive". [...] This is Wilhelm Schmeck, inventor of the Whisper Drive. Yesterday, Schmeck went missing, along with the plans for the Whisper Drive. I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach.

Ugh, just what Miami needs... More Cubans.

And don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.

Gillette

[To Pam and Cheryl] She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.

Jesus GOD, Sterling, schoolgirls?

Archer

No! They're just costumes.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Archer

...Doesn't it?

Woodhouse

I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.

Archer

And I suppose that makes it better?

Woodhouse

Doesn't it?

Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!

No, no! It was just merely incompetence.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Doesn't it?

You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.

Lana

Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.

Cheryl

Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!

Cyril

Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Pam

[on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.

Archer

You just destroyed my innocence!

Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.

Archer

12!

What in the name of sweet Jiminy Christ do you think you're doing?!

Krieger

Standing up for myself! Because maybe I didn't go to some fancy-pantsy Ivy League med school, and maybe I didn't go to some other med school—even the one down in Grenada, which was my fallback, but whatever. That doesn't give you [points to med-team doctor] the right to bully me! I have had it! Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?!

Huh. I never thought about that.