Woodhouse quotes from Archer

Woodhouse

Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's, quote, "tripping balls."

Woodhouse

From the looks of it, and not to mention the lemur, I would hazard he's taking a personal day.

Archer

I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.

Woodhouse

Very good, sir.

Archer

[pause] I also need you to buy sand.

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

Archer

[as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.

Malory

Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.

Archer

[as everybody laughs] Mother!

Cheryl

Wait, whose bed?

Woodhouse

It was always "don't ask, don't tell."

Archer

Woodhouse! What are you doing?!

Woodhouse

Uh, sitting down, sir.

Archer

What, at the table?!

Malory

Sterling.

Archer

Like people?!

Malory

Sterling!

Archer

What?! Look, he thinks he's people!

Malory

All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

Cyril

Wait, what?!

Malory

Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.

Cyril

But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.

Malory

Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!

Cyril

Oh, Jesus.

Cheryl

Ew.

Malory

You're next.

Archer

God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.

Cyril

Shut up.

Malory

Come on! Everybody shoots!

Pam

Hey, I wanna go!

Malory

Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...

Archer

No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.

Malory

Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...

Archer

Wha... oh.

Malory

Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!

Archer

But this gun--it was a gift.

Malory

Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!

Archer

You don't know.

Malory

Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.

Cyril

Oh, hot potato!

Archer

We still didn't get the UN contract.

Malory

Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!

Woodhouse

That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.

Pam

Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?

Malory

It would be weirder if you weren't.

Jesus GOD, Sterling, schoolgirls?

Archer

No! They're just costumes.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Archer

...Doesn't it?

Woodhouse

I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.

Archer

And I suppose that makes it better?

Woodhouse

Doesn't it?

Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!

No, no! It was just merely incompetence.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Doesn't it?

Woodhouse

I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.

Archer

Yeah, like I told you he would! You idiot!

Archer

You realise you're in huge trouble?

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizzare punishment for you?

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of... spiderwebs.

You scoundral. Is that brandy?

Woodhouse

Oh no sir, just water.

Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish shit in it.

Woodhouse

Then they gave me the VC and my papers...medical discharge.

Because of the scalps.

Woodhouse

Oh, for--

Archer

The what?!

German scalps!

Archer

What?!

Must've been fifty of 'em!

Archer

That's a lot of scalps.

Could've made a blanket.