Cheryl Tunt quotes from Archer

Archer

Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!

Cheryl

Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!

Archer

But it is, y'know, a vest.

Lana

What the--?

Archer

What the hell is that?

Cheryl

Ugh, my stupid ocelot.

Archer

[leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!

Malory

Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but--

Archer

[OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!

Malory

How much are you--

Archer

Look at its tufted ears!

Malory

Worth?

Pam

What a hunk

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam

What a hunk!

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

...and whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Malory

But if the emergency beacon is going off -- oh my God, their plane crashed!

Cheryl

(gasps) I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!

Pam

I dunno, just try to only use em for good.

Cheryl

....no.

Cheryl

That Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome!

Archer

Yeah, he... kinda is.

Pam

After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.

Cheryl

Just tape them up!

Cheryl

If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred buck for liquid fart.

Pam

Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

Ray

Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [Brightly] I'd have eight nickels!

Archer

Does no one seriously know what today is?

Pam

Tuesday?

Cheryl

The rapture?

Malory

Who taught you to drive?

Cheryl

This guy I know called my dead father.

Malory

Oh... I...

Cheryl

Yeah, I bet you feel like a dick.

Lana

Somebody's trying to frame Malory for murdering the Prime Minister of Italy.

Cheryl

Oooo, I bet it's that wicked king!

Krieger

I needed help...disseminating him.

Cheryl

Eww!

Pam

Not what it means.

Lana

Still pretty gross though.

Krieger

And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray

How small?

Krieger

[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana

That's...actually pretty smart.

Krieger

And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana

That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

[pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

Ray

What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!

Randy

Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.

Archer

Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Cheryl

Uh, get in line.

Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.

Archer

Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.

Ray

Oh, please don't.

Archer

It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.

Ray

So is it just E.Z. coming or...

Randy

No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.

Archer

Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Randy

Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.

I'd be delighted.

Ray

[as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...

Archer

Fifth thoughts!

Ray

Archer!

Randy

Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?

Cheryl

[having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Archer

Who hunts dogs?

Cheryl

Orientals, duh!