Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a snack?

Lana

Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?

Lana

No! Baby, I am putting you in the corner.

Lana

SO GO ALREADY! Bag with which one douches.

Lana

If you want to know why Archer is Archer, you need to go back in time and have a threesome with Oedipus and Sigmund Freud!

Lana

[Climbing into air vent] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here. [Beat] I though that was a joke.

Lana

[To Cyril] Would you man up, Kimmy Kevlar?!

Lana

[While walking through the desert] Because you let him. Because you let him push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. [Beat] Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. [Gasps] Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said!

Lana

How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert.

Lana

Well, pretty close.

Lana

Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. [Cheryl excitedly laughs] Not that kind of chokepoints.

Archer

Whoa, I would not push her. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy.

Lana

"Baby crazy"?!

Archer

That's why I broke up with her.

Lana

You lying--! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you're carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!

Archer

See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!

Lana

You want to see crazy?!

Archer

No! I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!

Lana

I wish you'd been wearing one!

Archer

Who would want to wear an on-fire suit!

Lana

Cosplay enthusiasts!

Archer

What?

Lana

Wait! No! Shit!

Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.

Lana

[Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!

[holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?

Archer

[shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand--

[Hits Archer with her handbag] AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!

Archer

Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...

Cyril

Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.

Archer

Apology accepted. Ass douche.

Cyril

Hey!

Archer

What?

Lana

[Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.

Archer

Make me!

Lana

What?

Archer

What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.

Cyril

How did you know where I was?

Lana

When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.

Cyril

In my body?

Lana

Baby? Hon?

Cyril

No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.

Lana

Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?

Cyril

I do not.

Lana

You do not.

Cyril

Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Lana

Ha! Please...

Archer

What? You're black... ish...

Lana

"ISH?"

Archer

Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"

Lana

Imagine that!

Archer

You imagine it!

Malory

Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Lana

[about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?

Archer

Only that he's uncircumcised.

Lana

[Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--

Archer

We touched penises.

Lana

NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?

Archer

What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--

Lana

That's not how it works!

Archer

Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

Lana

What are you doing?

Archer

Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?