American Dad! Season 9 quotes

Roger

Now this is getting ridiculous! Want me to walk you home again?

Jeff

It didn't help last time! [storms off]

Roger

Sheesh, just trying to help the kid out. [the door closes offscreen, Roger stretches his arms, his bones crack] I'm gonna rape him this time.

Roger

[as Jeff blows his whistle] Is that the "Come Back and Kick Me" whistle?

Holy Methmoly!

Jeepers, a methhead!

Principal Lewis

My strength comes from above!!

Francine

Any dumbass can have dumbass kids.

Roger

GO. THE HELL. TO FRANCE!!

Stan

Oh my God! You can do that?

Roger

Yeah, when I'm really happy.

Stan

[walks through it] Ew.

Roger

Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.

Francine

This one. [gives the finger]

Steve

[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.

Snot

I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Barry

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

Steve

I guess it's worth a shot.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Stan

Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.

Stan

God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

Stan

'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

Stan

A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.

Steve

I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.

Snot

Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

H-Hey, Dad.

Stan

Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.

Steve

What? Why?

Stan

[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.

Stan

We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.

Steve

Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.

Stan

Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.

Stan

And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.

Stan

And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...

Steve

Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?

Stan

The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]

Steve

Alright, this is enough.

Snot

[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?

Stan

I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.

Barry

...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]

Steve, you're up.

Steve

Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.

Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.

Steve

[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?

Stan

Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--

Stan

[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]

Steve

See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?

[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]

Hello... I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius. Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead in his extended-stay hotel room. Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and 12 American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night. They were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper. And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy: Blood Crieth Unto Heaven.

And now, we return to Act 2. Gezhundheit. Just kidding. The theatre can be a lonely place.

Stan

It was the best day of my life. Until it was not that... at all.

Francine

I wanted to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon.