“Baby Love” · Season 3, Episode 15
In this episode: ALF (7), Kate Tanner (4), Willie Tanner (3), Lynn Tanner (3), Jake (2), Raquel (2), Brian Tanner (1)
Ok, how about Cameron if it's a boy and Amanda if it's a girl?
You know, I was thinking if it was a girl, maybe we could name her after my mother.
You want to name her The Witch of Endor? I've got the perfect name, Rin Tin Tanner.
You want to name my child after a dog?
A noble dog. A brave dog. A dog who saved lives. And if it's a girl, we'll call her spuds.
[at the nursery] So, this is where they're gonna stash the bad seed. I may throw up. Which could only help this wallpaper. [picks up a rattle and shakes it] Oh, great. The incredible expanding woman is home.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
Oh, man. Heavy trip.
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
Oh, what a cute room.
Thanks.
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
Does he need anything?
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
What is the matter with you?
I'm allergic to babies.
ALF, that is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
What?
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[ALF moves to Jake's room at Trevor and Raquel's house after he left the Tanners]
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]
Thanks.
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?
I've run away from garage.
What are you talking about?
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
What happened?
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
[outside] Yo.
Yeah, come on in.
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Hi, Jake.
Hello, Jake. What's up?
Well, uh-
Something wrong?
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
What, did you lose something?
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
ALF.
Hot.
I win.
How do you know he's missing?
I found him.
Where is he?
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
All that I can with these pieces.
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Why would you want to live here?
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
Yeah? And?
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
Her own unique way.
She loves you.
You mean that?
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
But what?
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
Forget it.
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
[whispering] ALF, hide.
No kidding, Willie.
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Oh, hello, Raquel.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
Have a nice day.
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
No, the baby's not even born yet.
Then let's just go home and burp.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
Can I sit on your lap?
I'd rather you didn't.
Fine.
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Want me to.
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
That's very nice of you, ALF.
I know.
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
