Kate Tanner quotes from ALF

I know, I just wanted your immediate attention.

S2 E25 Varsity Drag

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[ALF wakes up in the middle of the night and wakes up Willie and Kate]

[clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?

[Kate groans]

ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.

Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.

[Willie and Kate come inside the living room and see many newspapers that ALF made]

What are these?

Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!

Kate

Why are they here?

Perhaps I should explain. Please do!

Kate

No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.

We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.

Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?

No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.

10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.

Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]

Kate

ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.

Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]

S2 E25 Varsity Drag

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Did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving on Melmac?

Oh, yes!

Thanksgiving on Melmac wasn't called Thanksgiving. It was called Fappiano. And we didn't eat turkey. Instead, we sat down to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-

Kate

Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, ALF. And you know that we find that offensive.

What was I gonna say?

Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed, cat.

But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.

Kate

[picks up the covered empty turkey] Something's wrong here. This, this turkey feels so light.

Well, you have been working out.

Kate

[stops ALF from leaving] Hold it right there, mister. Willie, he ate our Thanksgiving turkey. Raw.

Turkey sushi.

That is the worst thing you have ever done.

Willie, every time you say that, it loses a little more impact.

Why would you do that?

Tradition! On Fappiano, you ate from the time you got up until all the presents were opened. Incidentally, I didn't see any presents under the Fappiano tree. I didn't even see a tree!

I'll, uh...I'll try to find another turkey.

And don't forget the tree! And the presents!

There will be no tree. There will be no presents. I don't think there will even be a turkey. [leaves]

This is gonna be some Fappiano.

S3 Part 1

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[at the end, Flakey Pete leaves the Tanners' home]

Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.

Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.

Are you sure you can't stay?

Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.

Goodbye, Pete.

Bye, Willie. Bye.

Kate

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

LBLynn and Brian

Bye.

Bye, cornflake.

Bye, ALF. And thanks.

[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.

I'm sure he will. He took our phone.

S3 Part 2

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Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

Very well worth the interminable wait.

I asked you twice to stop doing that.

What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.

No problem, Willie. Have it your way.

Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.

Kate

What?

He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!

[comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]

I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

Kate

We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]

Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

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[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]

Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?

Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?

According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.

[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.

ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?

I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Kate

Lynn, what's wrong?

I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.

Your brother?

That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.

You wanted me to.

[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!

Well, you said you liked the guy.

I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.

Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.

Kate

Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.

It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.

That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!

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[comes out of the kitchen] Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?

Kate

ALF!

I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.

Well, did you check under our bed?

Yeah.

Kate

In the garage?

Yep.

In the car?

What car?

Our car.

Our car's gone.

Kate

Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.

Oh, sure. She'll take ALF to the drive-in, but not me.

[doorbell rings]

Kate, you answer the door. I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF. I can't go to the drive-in, Lynn's got the car.

Kate

You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue but I still think we need a second car. [opens the door to reveal it's Trevor]

Hi, Kate.

Oh, Trevor. Trevor, could we borrow your car?

Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya? How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

Kate

How was your hunting trip?

Well, we left last Saturday. And the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire. Took Raquel a half hour to fix it. Then everything was fine until we get up around Big Pine. We got onto Highway 190 and about 15 miles down the road we ran smack into a detour. Right down a gravel road.

Your mail.

Oh, thanks.

Now, can we borrow your car?

Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?

Not really.

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[at the end, ALF and Brian have their own drive-in at home]

No, no! Don't open that door!

Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.

Kate

What are you guys doing out here?

This is our drive-in theater.

Yeah, and you two snuck in. I'm calling the manager.

Do you mind if we join you? [he and Kate join ALF and Brian's drive-in in the car]

Ok, but don't hog the popcorn. And don't fog up the windows back there!

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Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.

Whoo!

Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!

Kate

I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.

[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.

You're out of here.

I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.

Kate

ALF!

Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?

Exactly.

Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.

[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!

Kate

Willie!

Ohh! [groaning]

Now you see why it was called muck sucking.

Kate

Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.

Put him on the couch.

I'll have a look at him there.

Stay away from me!

I just want to help.

I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]

Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.

I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]

Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]

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[ALF comes in the house, injured, and wonders his life would be without the Tanners]

Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.

Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?

Certainly, son.

Thank you.

Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?

Kate

Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.

Oh, I, for one, certainly will.

Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?

What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.

We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.

Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.

They can't seem to hear you, ALF.

[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!

They can't see me, either.

Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.

Believe me now.

No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?

My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

Right, I'm the Easter alien.

Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?

Ready for what?

To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.

You got me a date with Sheena Easton?

Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?

I never said that.

Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?

I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.

Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.

Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.

It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]

Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.

Look again.

It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!

No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.

Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.

You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.

Kate

I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.

You made them say that.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Did not.

Did to.

Nuh-Uh.

Uh-Huh.

Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.

Kate

Our pleasure.

Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?

Sure, honey.

Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.

Ok, so they've got a little more money.

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[ALF refuses to leave the Tanners]

You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.

I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.

Sign here.

I'm not signing.

Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.

Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.

This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.

Prepare to enter your new life.

No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.

The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.

I think he's waking up.

Kate

[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?

Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Kate

It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?

Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

We worried about you.

Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Who's Bob?

My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate

ALF, you were just dreaming.

We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

No.

It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Are you sure you're alright?

Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.

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[at the end, Willie is dressed in a suit for the night while ALF is having a random phone call]

Are you almost ready, dear?

Kate

[offscreen] I'll be right out!

[on the phone] Hello? Bloomingdale's Perfume Department. Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here. This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation. [Kate screams] Hold on a second.

Kate

[as there is perfume stuck on her skin] What do you know about this?

I notice it doesn't absorb very well.

Smells like radiator fluid.

Hello? Could you transfer me to your Automotive Department?

[Kate and Willie feel shocked as ALF makes another phone call as the episode ends]

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Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.

Kate

Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.

Oh. [sneezes]

Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.

I think I'm gonna get something at work.

I'm gonna have to change my shirt.

[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?

[from outside] It's me Jake.

Come on in, Jake.

Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.

Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?

Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.

What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.

S3 E3 Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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Kate

Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?

Whatcha havin'?

Green eggs and ham.

Pass.

[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!

Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.

Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?

Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.

Kate

Oh, Trevor, I'm sorry.

She called me a slob.

We know.

Hey, I didn't tell 'em.

Who did?

Uh, I did.

Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.

So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.

I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?

Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!

Kate

[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.

Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.

[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?

I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

S3 E3 Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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Raquel

[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

What do you mean, Raquel?

Raquel

Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?

Kate

Of course not.