Willie Tanner quotes from ALF

ALF

[hosting his late-night talk show in his second dream] My, oh, my. We're having some fun tonight. Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks," you'll see a cat do a 50 foot dive into my mouth. Oh, I almost forgot. Say hello to Willie Tanner, ladies and gentlemen.

Willie

Hi, babe. I want to thank you for bringing me on board after you fired Paul Shaffer.

ALF

Oh, you're welcome. Willie boy, he does it all, including my laundry. [he laughs as his second dream ends]

Willie

[goes to the bathroom and opens the shower to find ALF sitting down on the tub] ALF?

ALF

Welcome to ALF-catraz. How was the party tonight?

Willie

Oh, it was okay, I guess. Jake broke the pinata. Trevor bruised a couple of ribs diving for the candy. ALF, what are you doing?

ALF

When Melmacians try to drown our sorrows, we gravitate towards cheap imitation porcelain.

Willie

I'll have you know, this is expensive imitation porcelain.

ALF

We also eat more.

Willie

How is that possible?

ALF

Well, our spare stomachs open up. By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.

Willie

Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?

ALF

Trust me on this one.

Lynn

[goes to the bathroom and gives his meal to ALF] Here you go, ALF

Willie

Oh, wow, you really are depressed.

ALF

I need something to wash this down. Got any ketchup?

Lynn

Coming right up. Dad, we've got to do something about this.

Willie

You're right.

ALF

You may not want to watch this, Willie.

Willie

Oh, I've seen you eat before, ALF.

Kate

[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]

ALF

Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.

Willie

Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?

ALF

Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.

Surprise!

ALF

Willie, intruder alert!

Willie

Oh, ALF!

ALF

I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.

Willie

We've invited everyone who's ever met you.

ALF

How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?

Jake

Great! Give me 5!

ALF

Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]

Larry

How you doing, ALF?

ALF

Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.

I'd challenge that.

ALF

Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?

Always a pleasure.

Lynn

Look, ALF. Jody is here.

ALF

Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.

Nice not to see you!

ALF

[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!

Willie

ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.

Kate

It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.

ALF

I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?

Willie

Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.

ALF

Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.

Surprise!

[giving ALF presents] Surprise!

ALF

Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.

Trevor

[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!

Willie

Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.

Jake

Yeah, that never stops him.

ALF

I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]

Well, why is ALF hiding?

Willie

Well, uh...

Kate

He owes the Ochmoneks money.

Lynn

I thought you said they were going out tonight.

Jake

They always go dancing on Saturdays.

Trevor

Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?

Jake

Right here!

Raquel

Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.

Trevor

And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!

Raquel

Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.

Willie

Well, it's not a party party.

Kate

It's a Tupperware party.

Trevor

Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?

Raquel

Gotta dance!

Trevor

But I will have a slab of that cake.

Willie

I'll get a couple of plates.

Trevor

Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.

Willie

I'm sorry for the interruption.

ALF

No problem. I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those 2. It keeps me young.

Willie

Not me.

ALF

Hey, Willie. Thanks for the party and everything. It's nice to know there's someone around to save me from myself.

Willie

You're welcome, pal!

Raquel

[voiceover] Willie, I need a doggie bag.

Kate

[voiceover] Raquel, don't go in there.

ALF

Ah, the game is afoot.

ALF

[clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?

Willie

ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.

ALF

Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.

Willie

What are these?

ALF

Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!

Kate

Why are they here?

ALF

Perhaps I should explain. Please do!

Kate

No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.

ALF

We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.

Willie

Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?

ALF

No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.

Willie

10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.

ALF

Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]

Kate

ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.

ALF

Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]

ALF

Did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving on Melmac?

Willie

Oh, yes!

ALF

Thanksgiving on Melmac wasn't called Thanksgiving. It was called Fappiano. And we didn't eat turkey. Instead, we sat down to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-

Kate

Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, ALF. And you know that we find that offensive.

ALF

What was I gonna say?

Willie

Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed, cat.

ALF

But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.

Kate

[picks up the covered empty turkey] Something's wrong here. This, this turkey feels so light.

ALF

Well, you have been working out.

Kate

[stops ALF from leaving] Hold it right there, mister. Willie, he ate our Thanksgiving turkey. Raw.

ALF

Turkey sushi.

Willie

That is the worst thing you have ever done.

ALF

Willie, every time you say that, it loses a little more impact.

Willie

Why would you do that?

ALF

Tradition! On Fappiano, you ate from the time you got up until all the presents were opened. Incidentally, I didn't see any presents under the Fappiano tree. I didn't even see a tree!

Willie

I'll, uh...I'll try to find another turkey.

ALF

And don't forget the tree! And the presents!

Willie

There will be no tree. There will be no presents. I don't think there will even be a turkey. [leaves]

ALF

This is gonna be some Fappiano.

Willie

Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.

Flakey Pete

Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.

Willie

Are you sure you can't stay?

Flakey Pete

Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.

Willie

Goodbye, Pete.

Flakey Pete

Bye, Willie. Bye.

Kate

Bye-bye.

Flakey Pete

Bye-bye.

Bye.

ALF

Bye, cornflake.

Flakey Pete

Bye, ALF. And thanks.

Willie

[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.

ALF

I'm sure he will. He took our phone.

Willie

Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

ALF

Very well worth the interminable wait.

Willie

I asked you twice to stop doing that.

ALF

What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

Willie

You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.

ALF

No problem, Willie. Have it your way.

Willie

Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.

Kate

What?

Willie

He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!

Lynn

[comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]

Willie

I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

Kate

We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]

ALF

Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

ALF

Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?

Willie

Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?

ALF

According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.

Willie

[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.

Lynn

ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?

ALF

I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Kate

Lynn, what's wrong?

Lynn

I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.

Willie

Your brother?

Lynn

That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.

ALF

You wanted me to.

Lynn

[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!

ALF

Well, you said you liked the guy.

Lynn

I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.

ALF

Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.

Kate

Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.

Lynn

It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.

ALF

That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!

Brian

[comes out of the kitchen] Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?

Kate

ALF!

Brian

I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.

Willie

Well, did you check under our bed?

Brian

Yeah.

Kate

In the garage?

Brian

Yep.

Willie

In the car?

Brian

What car?

Willie

Our car.

Brian

Our car's gone.

Kate

Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.

Brian

Oh, sure. She'll take ALF to the drive-in, but not me.

Willie

Kate, you answer the door. I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF. I can't go to the drive-in, Lynn's got the car.

Kate

You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue but I still think we need a second car. [opens the door to reveal it's Trevor]

Trevor

Hi, Kate.

Willie

Oh, Trevor. Trevor, could we borrow your car?

Trevor

Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya? How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"

Willie

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

Kate

How was your hunting trip?

Trevor

Well, we left last Saturday. And the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire. Took Raquel a half hour to fix it. Then everything was fine until we get up around Big Pine. We got onto Highway 190 and about 15 miles down the road we ran smack into a detour. Right down a gravel road.

Willie

Your mail.

Trevor

Oh, thanks.

Willie

Now, can we borrow your car?

Trevor

Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?

Willie

Not really.

Brian

No, no! Don't open that door!

ALF

Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.

Kate

What are you guys doing out here?

Brian

This is our drive-in theater.

ALF

Yeah, and you two snuck in. I'm calling the manager.

Willie

Do you mind if we join you? [he and Kate join ALF and Brian's drive-in in the car]

ALF

Ok, but don't hog the popcorn. And don't fog up the windows back there!

Willie

Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.

Lynn

Whoo!

ALF

Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!

Kate

I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.

ALF

[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.

Willie

You're out of here.

ALF

I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.

Kate

ALF!

ALF

Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?

Lynn

Exactly.

ALF

Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.

Willie

[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!

Kate

Willie!

Willie

Ohh! [groaning]

ALF

Now you see why it was called muck sucking.

Kate

Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.

Lynn

Put him on the couch.

ALF

I'll have a look at him there.

Willie

Stay away from me!

ALF

I just want to help.

Willie

I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]

ALF

Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.

Brian

I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]

ALF

Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]

ALF

Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.

Brian

Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?

Willie

Certainly, son.

Brian

Thank you.

ALF

Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?

Kate

Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.

Lynn

Oh, I, for one, certainly will.

ALF

Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?

Willie

What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.

Brian

We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.

ALF

Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.

They can't seem to hear you, ALF.

ALF

[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!

They can't see me, either.

ALF

Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.

Believe me now.

ALF

No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?

My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

ALF

Right, I'm the Easter alien.

Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?

ALF

Ready for what?

To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.

ALF

You got me a date with Sheena Easton?

Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?

ALF

I never said that.

Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?

ALF

I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.

Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.

ALF

Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.

It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]

ALF

Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.

Look again.

ALF

It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!

No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.

ALF

Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.

Willie

You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.

Kate

I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.

ALF

You made them say that.

No, I didn't.

ALF

Yes, you did.

Did not.

ALF

Did to.

Nuh-Uh.

ALF

Uh-Huh.

Lynn

Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.

Kate

Our pleasure.

Lynn

Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?

Willie

Sure, honey.

Lynn

Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.

ALF

Ok, so they've got a little more money.

You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.

ALF

I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.

Sign here.

ALF

I'm not signing.

Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.

ALF

Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.

This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.

ALF

Prepare to enter your new life.

No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.

ALF

The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.

Brian

I think he's waking up.

Kate

[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?

ALF

Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Kate

It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?

ALF

Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

Brian

We worried about you.

ALF

Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Lynn

Who's Bob?

ALF

My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate

ALF, you were just dreaming.

Willie

We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Lynn

Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

Willie

I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

ALF

Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

Lynn

ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

ALF

Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

Lynn

No.

ALF

It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Willie

Are you sure you're alright?

ALF

Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.