[at the end, Willie is dressed in a suit for the night while ALF is having a random phone call]
WillieAre you almost ready, dear?
[offscreen] I'll be right out!
[on the phone] Hello? Bloomingdale's Perfume Department. Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here. This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation. [Kate screams] Hold on a second.
[as there is perfume stuck on her skin] What do you know about this?
I notice it doesn't absorb very well.
Willie
Smells like radiator fluid.
Hello? Could you transfer me to your Automotive Department?
[Kate and Willie feel shocked as ALF makes another phone call as the episode ends]
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
Willie
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
Willie
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Willie
Come on in, Jake.
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Willie
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
Willie
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Willie
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
Willie
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!
Willie
What do you mean, Raquel?
Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
Willie
Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?
Willie
Kate didn't tell anyone.
Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]
[Willie comes in the garage and confronts ALF for calling the neighborhood about Trevor and Raquel]
Willie
Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?
Willie
Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?
I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.
Willie
[angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!
In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.
Willie
Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.
You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.
Willie
You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?
No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.
Willie
Well, thank you.
No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you. [he and Willie look at each other for a few seconds before Willie goes out, then he uses the phone to call another number] Hello? I would like to order flowers for Raquel Ochmonek.
Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?
Willie
You counted them?
[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?
Willie
Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]
I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?
Willie
Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Willie
Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?
I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!
Willie
There must be-
Willie
There must be some mistake.
Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Willie
Is there a chance that you heard any of that?
Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?
Willie
You sent those flowers, didn't you?
Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.
Willie
[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.
Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you?
What'll it take to put you over the top?
You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.
[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Willie
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.
Willie
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate [angrily] PORCELAIN BALLERINA?
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.
Willie
Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
Willie
Hi, everybody.
Can I have your meatloaf?
Willie
No.
How was the union meeting?
Willie
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Oh, you're going on strike?
Willie
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
[comes in the room] Question.
Willie
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.
Spoken like a true humanitarian.
I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.
Willie
That's 4 words.
Good. I ran out of fingers.
As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.
I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.
I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".
Willie
ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.
We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.
Then isn't it time we made it official?
Willie
Made what official?
Willie
Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.
Willie
Well, for starters, there's that species thing.
It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?
Willie
No.
ALF, please. Go back to bed.
But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
Willie
ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[Willie is preparing dinner for the family]
Willie
Mmm, Brian, w-would you hand me the garlic press?
What's a garlic press look like?
Willie
Well, it-it's right there next to the garlic.
What's a garlic look like?
Willie
Haven't you ever helped your mom in the kitchen?
Sure, I say, "Mom, it's burning." And she says, "Thanks, Bri."
Willie
I promise not to burn the pasta primavera.
Pasta primavera? I thought we were having spaghetti.
Willie
It is spaghetti. It's spaghetti with broccoli and peas and zucchini and a light tomato cream sauce.
Well, I like the sauce that Kate opens. How come there's weeds in this salad?
Willie
They aren't weeds. That's radicchio.
The whole idea of you cooking is radicchio.
[comes home from school] Hi, everybody.
Willie
Oh, hi, honey. You're-you're kinda late getting home.
Yeah, Julie and I stayed after school to protest cheerleading tryouts.
Willie
Well, why would you do that?
I was protesting because I think cheerleading is a sexist exploitation of the concept of woman as perennial spectator. Julie was protesting because she was eliminated in the 1st round. Mmm, pasta primavera.
Willie
You see? Lynn appreciates my cooking.
Sure, scrape off the vegetables and that pink stuff and it's great. Anything I can do to help?
[looking at the salad] What's this stuff?
Willie
[angrily takes the salad away from ALF] Will you stay out of that salad? [he grabs the salad from ALF but the salad flies out of the bowl on Lynn]
Yikes! The radicchio is making a break for it!
Willie
ALF, I want you to clean this mess up and I want you to stay out of my way.
Willie
What?
[as he sees the spaghetti overboiling] I think your spaghetti's done.
[Willie tries to get the spaghetti to stop from overboiling, but he burns himself as Kate comes home, he quickly grabs a towel while the spaghetti noodles fly off, then he puts the pot in the sink]
Willie
Ah!
[timer dings]
[Kate comes home from work]
Willie
Hi, honey.
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Willie
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Well, do you remember the second time?
Willie
When you were expecting Brian.
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Willie
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Willie
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Well, he or she will be our own.
Willie
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
Willie
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
Willie
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
Willie
We-we'll discuss that later.
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
I came with a peace offering. You want a flower?
Willie
No.
Good. [eats the flower and burps] I came to say I'm sorry.
Willie
Apology accepted. Good night.
I realized I have no choice to sell out. The system is bigger than you are.
Well, we're both bigger than you, so leave.
Whoa, man. Bad vibrations. [leaves Willie and Kate's bedroom]
[Willie and ALF fight over the saw]
Willie
You are not going to saw our son!
[Willie takes the saw away]
But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?
Willie
Maybe until he completes 1 or 2 of them successfully.
Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.
Willie
Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.
Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.
ALF · 397 quotes
