[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
But I want to be like you.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
Well, that never worked before.
Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
Willie[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
Willie
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
Willie
I'm serious, ALF.
Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
Willie
Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
Thank you, Professor X-ray.
Willie
It's fine, ALF.
It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
Willie
You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
Willie
Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
Willie
Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
Willie
Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
Willie
He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Willie
Brian!
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
Willie
Oh, no.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
Willie
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Willie
Don't you see the connection?
Willie
I give up.
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
Willie
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
Willie
What? Why?
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
Willie
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
Willie
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
Willie
What did he say to me?
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]
I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.
I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?
I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.
I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.
Willie
[comes in] Hi.
Willie
Just what I wanted to see in my bed.
It's 11pm. What happened?
Willie
I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,
Willie
Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.
We were just discussing that, when you came in.
Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.
Willie
Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.
Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.
Willie
Oh, ALF.
[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
Willie
This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
Willie
What possible reason could you have had for this?
Nobody wants to move, including you.
Willie
How do you know that?
Because you're a social worker.
Willie
What's that got to do with anything-
Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
Willie
Yes.
Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
Willie
You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
Willie
I don't know.
[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
Willie
No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
Willie
Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
Willie
Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
Willie
[opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
Willie
How much?
$29.95. You got off easy this time.
Willie
There you go. I'll see you.
Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
Willie
Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
[comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
Oh, ALF, what is it this time?
Willie
You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!
Willie
Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-
There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!
[ALF laughs]
Willie
Oh, brother!
Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.
So does the roast beef. [laughs]
Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.
Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!
[the family laughs]
ALF, how did you get so good so fast?
Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.
Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!
Can't you pack any faster?
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
I'm running away from home.
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Shut up and keep packing.
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
I don't know why I stay friends with you.
Because I'm your alter ego.
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
I can't take that. It's Willie's!
[Willie and Kate come in the garage]
Willie
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
That's it, mister! You are kindling!
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
Willie
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
Willie, what? What did you do that for?
Willie
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
Willie
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
You get what you pay for.
More plates! That picture taunts me still.
Break something else, ALF.
Willie
Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
Paul, you said you were my friend.
Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
He's right. I don't need you.
Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
Willie
How are you feeling, ALF?
Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
He means how do you feel about Paul?
Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
Willie
We're so happy to hear it.
Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
Willie
[trying to get rid of the drawing on the wall] When, how, why did you do this?
Half an hour ago. Crayon. Seemed like a good idea.
Willie
Well, it's not coming off.
They won't notice, because they won't be coming here.
If I were paranoid type, I'd think this had something to do with me.
[Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
[walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
Willie
[gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
Willie
Don't eat it. [he walks away]
He didn't say not to lick it.
Willie
Hello?
Willie
Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
Willie
Here?
Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
Willie
Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
Willie
That's no problem.
[falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
Willie
Can she sleep on the floor?
[the next day, ALF is groaning from drinking the tequila he had last night]
Willie
I don't know. It sounds like an alien groaning, and groping his way along the hall.
That's what I thought. ALF, what are you doing?
Groaning and groping, and looking for a place to do the technicolor yawn. Ohhh.
Willie
What's the matter?
I've been poisoned, Willie. Earth germs. I saw it in "War of the Worlds." Before aliens can destroy the planet, the earth germs get them.
Willie
What are you talking about?
Willie
Your tongue is hairy.
Just the usual, everything. It's what I drank.
I think they call it tequila.
Willie
You shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, I'm over 21. I'm over 221.
You got into the liquor cabinet?
No, Maura got into the liquor cabinet.
Willie
You saw her? She saw you?
Yeah, now we're seeing each other. I don't think it's going to work out. She's a booze hag.
[angrily] That is NOT true! I WON'T HAVE YOU INSULTING MY FRIENDS! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Oh boy, do I! This isn't a criticism, Willie. But your wife's voice seems unusually grating this morning.
Willie
Drinking is not good.
Tell me about it. I'm off the sauce forever. It's that Hooch Monger you have to worry about.
Willie
Will you stop insulting Kate's friend?
Willie
Her name is Maura. It's always been Maura. Except in college, we called her Boilermaker.
She played ball for purdue?
Willie
She drank 14 boilermakers in one night. I guess we thought it was funny, at the time.
Kate, I would like to apologize for losing my temper. If you will apologize for what you said about Maura.
Apology accepted and given. If you'll excuse me, I have to drive the porcelain bus. [runs to Kate and Willie's bathroom]
Is he really that hung over?
Willie
Apparently. Maybe we ought to what sort of shape Boilermaker is in. I mean Maura. What shape Maura's in.
Boilermaker? Did you say boilermaker?
Willie
Yeah, that's what we called her in college.
Why did you call her that?
Willie
Because she drank too much. Let's face it, Kate. She still does.
You think that she's an alcoholic?
Willie
I don't know. I think you should talk to her.
But, honey. She's so successful, motivated and miserable.
ALF · 397 quotes
