[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
WillieHi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
Willie
How do you do?
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
We're saving it for Jake.
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
Willie
He'll be here, ALF.
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
Willie
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Willie
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
Willie
I didn't hear the phone.
He just hollered through my window.
Would you like some cake?
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
I washed them in Desenex.
Willie
ALF, where is our football?
Willie
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
Willie
What about aliens?
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
Oh, like that's relevant.
Willie
ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
[interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
Willie
Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
Brian dear, this is very important!
Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
Huh? Who could it have been?
Willie
Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
Willie
There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Willie
Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
What you trust mom to be the judge?
I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
Willie, present your evidence.
Willie
The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
Willie
To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.
[while watching 3 TVs] Yeah, yeah! Oh, don't be fool. You're not the father. Buy a vowel.
Willie
What are you doing?
Willie
Turn two of those off. You're wasting electricity. [turns both TVs off]
Hey, you owe me. You made me feel like a criminal, you've scarred me for life, and now you want to take away my TV's? At long last, "Will-De-Beast," Have you no sense of decency?
Willie
ALF, how long are you going to push this guilt trip?
I was thinking 'til after Christmas.
Willie
Think again.
Hey Willie, while you're in there, could you check on my 3 TV dinners. [Willie goes to the kitchen while ALF laughs] Oh, yeah!
Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.
Willie
No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.
I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.
Willie
Those are snails.
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.
Willie
ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?
Willie
Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.
Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
Willie
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?
Why? Kate's mother is coming too?
Willie
Let's just put up the tent.
Fine. Why is it taking so long?
Willie
[he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?
Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.
Willie
You ate a box wing nuts?
I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.
Willie
I think I'd better finish this by myself.
Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]
Willie
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
MMan
Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.
Willie
Hello.
[like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?
Willie
Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!
But we're out of canned peaches.
Willie
You called me for peaches?
No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.
Willie
A tag for what?
You're not writing this down, are you?
Willie
No, I'm not. What's this all about?
It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.
Willie
What?
Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]
Willie
Wait! [hangs up]
MMan
Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?
[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
ALF, what is going on here?
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
He left without saying goodbye?
Willie
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
Willie
Is it true about Uncle Albert?
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
Willie
Oh, Kate, please.
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
Willie
Have you no respect for the dead?
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
Willie
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
Willie
He saw you?
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
Willie
It's, it's true.
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
[Willie and ALF are playing chess]
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Willie
Why not?
Willie
I'm sorry. Check.
[the telephone rings]
Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.
[short pause]
Willie
[on the phone] Hello. The who Meister? Yeah, sure. Just a minute. Hang on. It's for you. [gives the phone to ALF]
It must be Jody. [on the phone] Hello. Hey, Jod-meister. What's happening? I saw that, Willie. Your building's going where? Condo? Where's condo? Oh! Oh! Hey, it's no problem. Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place. Well, why would anybody mind? No, we have a slogan here, welcome. It's on the mat outside. Uh, Willie sends his love. Okay, buh-bye. Hang that up, will you, Willie? [Willie hangs up the phone]
Willie
The mat outside says, wipe your feet.
Jody's blind. She'll never know.
[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
Willie
What was that crash?
A lamp fell off the furniture.
Willie
That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
Willie
She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
Willie
See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
Okay, everyone, stay calm.
Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
Willie
Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
Willie
Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
Willie
And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
It was no trouble. It was fun.
Willie
It'll be even more fun putting it back.
Oh, well, then you could do it.
Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
Willie
Well, you're not imposing.
No. We're glad you're here.
And stay as long as you like.
[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.
Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]
I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?
That was it. That's how you play fetch.
Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.
You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?
[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]
Willie
[comes in] Hi.
Willie
What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?
Slim and none. And slim is out of town.
Willie
Where did this dog come from?
She followed me home from school.
Willie
ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.
Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.
Willie
I'm a king.
[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?
Willie
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?
Willie
$80?
Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Willie
Good planning.
Willie
Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.
Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?
Willie
No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?
Willie
Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!
I didn't know you liked dogs.
What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!
BMrs. Buttonwood
[arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?
Willie
Where's who?
BMrs. Buttonwood
My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?
Willie
Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.
BMrs. Buttonwood
He's mine. Where is he?
It's not a he. She's a she.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I knew that. Is that her?
BMrs. Buttonwood
Of course, I do. Come here, dog!
[Alfina growls]
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
We had a fight! She'll get over it.
Willie
Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?
BMrs. Buttonwood
I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?
Willie
I think not.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.
Willie
[quietly] Okay.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!
[opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?
HHannah
I came to get my dog.
HHannah
This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?
Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.
HHannah
Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.
HHannah
The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.
HHannah
My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.
[comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.
Willie
Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.
Willie
Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
Willie
And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.
Willie
Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.
HHannah
Oh, no. I have to sit down.
Willie
You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.
Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.
Willie
And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[as she hears Willie knocking on the door] Shut up, you mutt! I'm coming! I'm coming! Keep your pants on! [opens the door] Oh, it's you.
Willie
Oh, I-I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Buttonwood I-I hope I'm not disturbing you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Step inside, Tanner. You're letting all the flies out.
Willie
Hey-hey, hey. Alfina. Hey, how you doing, girl? You know, Mrs. Buttonwood, I-I-I'd really like to have her back.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I'd like to be Christie Brinkley. You learn to live with it.
Willie
But the dog's real owner came by today and she, she would love to have her back.
BMrs. Buttonwood
She can have her back.
Willie
Great.
BMrs. Buttonwood
For 500 bucks.
Willie
500?
BMrs. Buttonwood
Bucks! You have a hearing problem?
Willie
But the dog's real owner is-is a little girl. And-and she misses her so much. You know, she was crying in my living room.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Aw. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? 500 BUCKS!
Willie
Will you take a check?
Willie
Cash. You can't be too careful.
BMrs. Buttonwood
There's a lot of slime out there.
Willie
I hear you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
You know, I don't have $500 cash on me.
BSMrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend
[knocking from outside] Ethel! Open up!
BMrs. Buttonwood
My ex-boyfriend, that is, if he ain't short of a dollar and jealous to the bone. Just a minute, honey. I'm not dressed yet.
BSMrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend
Ethel! You got a man in there?'
BMrs. Buttonwood
MAYBE THERE IS! You better get out of here while your face is still in the front.
Willie
But I, I haven't done anything.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I'll give you a rain check.
Willie
Climb out that window.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Oh, that's silly!
Willie
Is there a backdoor?
BMrs. Buttonwood
It's all boarded up. Vince threw the mailman through it last week.
Willie
[as he climbs out of the window]Oh, suddenly, that looks like quite a drop!
BMrs. Buttonwood
Don't be a wuss.
Willie
[falls down from Mrs. Buttonwood's window] Stop!
Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?
Willie
I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.
Willie
Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.
It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]
He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.
Willie
You don't have a job.
I meant your next payday.
Willie
Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!
ALF · 397 quotes
